Hey ho, so back to the blog again finally after (apparently more than a year)... could it really be that long? And why did I stop? Because donors and dates didnt like being written about (aww) so I stopped, and they still turned out to be idiots, so I though f**ck it, I'm going back to it when I feel like it, and I do, now.
Well, I'll do the best to fill you in, but the real reason I'm back here is not to relive the past, but to share the new chapter(s). Yes, all, it is almost a brand new me.
So, look forward to hearing about my talking to Spirit Babies, doing EFT, and SACP and MLP, and taking new supplements and herbs, and mostly my brand spanking new (upcoming) pregnancy and this time how it will end with a healthy birth!
I'm moving house in the next week, so it may be a bit til I get back here, but I will be here- actually I never left! *;-)
In the mean time, look for me soon on UK Channel 4 in 'How to Have a Midlfe Crisis' hosted by Sharon Horgan. I don't know if I'll love it or hate it, but it will be me. Including me having a scan right there on telly (unless they cut that scene for being too...)
Btw, the guy in the piece is not my co-parent/donor any longer - how quickly they fall!
So now I'm all shopped up for my new A/W wardrobe 2012-13 (no tight waistlines!) and about to move into a new pad. And, of course, have a who stable of new men in my life.
What can I say? Fun fun fun. Here we go again!
Saturday, 6 October 2012
Saturday, 10 September 2011
The Butcher The Baker The Candlestickmaker... Part Two
Its been so soooo long and I've been thinking of posting but things have been extremely changeable and busy, plus with very disruptive neighbours, life has not been conducive to writing, still I knew I should, but of course I didnt.
Nevertheless, here I am now.
Now, if you read my last post, you'll know I had a go with my remote mystery donor. It was really tough because I had all the pregnancy symptoms due to the progesterone pessaries, so the TTW ('two week wait' for all of you who arent up on the latest acronyms) was especially difficult. I tested two times, but in the back of my mind, I was fairly sure from about day 4 or 5 that I wasnt. And I wasnt.
Still, the progesterone had a therapeutic effect, so it wasnt all bad.
The upshot was that this week, I went to meet 'mystery donor' at a Midlands train station, who I hadnt met before the last donation, and the whole experience was deeply dissappointing, and exhausting due to two endless train journeys and long wait in between. Not that I would have been sorry I had gotten pregnant by him if the remote donation had worked, but lets just say I had high expectations for what he was like, and he surely didnt meet those. A very sweet chap, but still... (footnote: why do soooo many men lie about their height??)
Anyway, keen not to waste this ovulation, I flipped back through my memory to come up with someone else, which even led to a momentary madness of reconsidering the donor who I got pregnant with last year (sorry if you havent read any of my blog or anything about me thus far, but you'll have to catch up!Read the early entries of this blog, or Google my name and get the backstory) Luckily it was only a temporary blip which soon passed, and I found myself reconsidering AI guy from last year (ibid on this backstory). After a few moments, a few texts were exchanged, where at first the plan was just for us to meet so I could decide if I could put up with him (found him tres annoying last time) but then, Carpe Diem, I had him come around for another AI go last night. I had told him in my text that he had to just donate and leave, but found myself chatting with him before the donation (you cant chat after he creates the donation, as the guy has to leave immediately, obviously!)and actually enjoying it (now drop it! all you romantics out there, it was just not as annoying a chat, nothing is blossoming... although perhaps with someone else, a non-donor...too early to tell ;-) Anyway, I have absolutely no expectations of success. AI hasnt worked for me before, but I really wasnt prepared to have sex with the guy. Its become clear to me that my feelings on that topic have changed quite a lot. Still, might go for IVF with him. He has mellowed quite a bit, or perhaps was on his best behaviour, but whatever it was, I saw him in a partially new light, and found myself thinking he might actually make a good dad.
Let's see, what else has happened since I last blogged?
Still have been looking to move, but turned down a much larger but ultimately depressing flat from my landlords, and am now entertaining the thought of casting my sites further afield again.
Workwise, things are a bit busier now that summer hols are over, and have made a new contact in Glasgow, who is quite enthusiastic about having my two most major pieces in a big show there in November- very exciting!
Plus, in spite of money troubs, trying to put together some publicity for my businesses, and a new A/W wardrobe...you know the usual girl stuff!
That's all for now, and it wasnt so painful!
I will try to post more frequently :-'')
Hugs
*:-) L
Nevertheless, here I am now.
Now, if you read my last post, you'll know I had a go with my remote mystery donor. It was really tough because I had all the pregnancy symptoms due to the progesterone pessaries, so the TTW ('two week wait' for all of you who arent up on the latest acronyms) was especially difficult. I tested two times, but in the back of my mind, I was fairly sure from about day 4 or 5 that I wasnt. And I wasnt.
Still, the progesterone had a therapeutic effect, so it wasnt all bad.
The upshot was that this week, I went to meet 'mystery donor' at a Midlands train station, who I hadnt met before the last donation, and the whole experience was deeply dissappointing, and exhausting due to two endless train journeys and long wait in between. Not that I would have been sorry I had gotten pregnant by him if the remote donation had worked, but lets just say I had high expectations for what he was like, and he surely didnt meet those. A very sweet chap, but still... (footnote: why do soooo many men lie about their height??)
Anyway, keen not to waste this ovulation, I flipped back through my memory to come up with someone else, which even led to a momentary madness of reconsidering the donor who I got pregnant with last year (sorry if you havent read any of my blog or anything about me thus far, but you'll have to catch up!Read the early entries of this blog, or Google my name and get the backstory) Luckily it was only a temporary blip which soon passed, and I found myself reconsidering AI guy from last year (ibid on this backstory). After a few moments, a few texts were exchanged, where at first the plan was just for us to meet so I could decide if I could put up with him (found him tres annoying last time) but then, Carpe Diem, I had him come around for another AI go last night. I had told him in my text that he had to just donate and leave, but found myself chatting with him before the donation (you cant chat after he creates the donation, as the guy has to leave immediately, obviously!)and actually enjoying it (now drop it! all you romantics out there, it was just not as annoying a chat, nothing is blossoming... although perhaps with someone else, a non-donor...too early to tell ;-) Anyway, I have absolutely no expectations of success. AI hasnt worked for me before, but I really wasnt prepared to have sex with the guy. Its become clear to me that my feelings on that topic have changed quite a lot. Still, might go for IVF with him. He has mellowed quite a bit, or perhaps was on his best behaviour, but whatever it was, I saw him in a partially new light, and found myself thinking he might actually make a good dad.
Let's see, what else has happened since I last blogged?
Still have been looking to move, but turned down a much larger but ultimately depressing flat from my landlords, and am now entertaining the thought of casting my sites further afield again.
Workwise, things are a bit busier now that summer hols are over, and have made a new contact in Glasgow, who is quite enthusiastic about having my two most major pieces in a big show there in November- very exciting!
Plus, in spite of money troubs, trying to put together some publicity for my businesses, and a new A/W wardrobe...you know the usual girl stuff!
That's all for now, and it wasnt so painful!
I will try to post more frequently :-'')
Hugs
*:-) L
Thursday, 11 August 2011
Date Riot, or 'In Due Course'
I would start with the phrase 'what a week' but thats seems quite repetitive at this point.
Still...
Riots in London, very strange. As I mentioned in my previous post, on Tuesday I was supposed to have a date with a guy I dated a couple of times a few years ago. And, can you believe it, we had to cancel because of the riots! I have now had such a few mishaps in this area of my life that I have to be sure the Universe is saving me for someone very special ;-)
Anyway, that afternoon, as I was walking Aslan home, the whole High St was boarding up, and by 7 everything would have been shut down. We are due to reschedule for Friday, but I think he may believe I was just using the riots as an excuse, as his last text said we would speak 'in due course', hmmm....
Cant really blame him though, as I did drop him pretty completely in the past.
In other news, I just booked the shipping for my refrigerated 'man sample' (eek! :-))
The guy who's doing it seems so nice, and one has to wonder what he is getting out of it, after all, not even sex! It does increase my faith that there are some good men out there.
Money situation not getting any better. Especially as I have to go to the fertility clinic tomorrow and pay a big whack just for a consultation to get a prescription for progesterone pessaries to prevent miscarriage, but must have them and they wont prescribe without my turning up. I looked for one of those online pharmacies that would sell with no perscription, but the cost was so high that it wouldnt make sense over the long run (I have to use them for 16 weeks), plus I always worry that they wouldnt be the real deal. In the words of one of my many male friends, 'grrr'
Business-wise, I had hoped a lead from my landlords would work out, thereby being able to keep up with my rent. It looked rather promising, as its a gallery who sells prints, but only of blue chip Pop artists. And as I sell blue chip Photo Realists, we werent a match, so unfortunately no sale. :-(
Telling you this makes me realise that I have never promoted my site on this blog. So in case any of you are interested, my website is www.studiolulufinearts.com
It has about half the prints I have available on it ( yes, I know, I must add the rest!) plus I sell through Primrose Hill Interiors in the PH High St
Anyway, I'm off to do some errands, whilst knowing that a guy who've I've yet to meet, is doing the business to help my dream come true. I find that completely surreal.
Tomorrow is a big day in many ways, so I tell you how it went... 'in due course'. Lol
Wish me luck
*:-)
Still...
Riots in London, very strange. As I mentioned in my previous post, on Tuesday I was supposed to have a date with a guy I dated a couple of times a few years ago. And, can you believe it, we had to cancel because of the riots! I have now had such a few mishaps in this area of my life that I have to be sure the Universe is saving me for someone very special ;-)
Anyway, that afternoon, as I was walking Aslan home, the whole High St was boarding up, and by 7 everything would have been shut down. We are due to reschedule for Friday, but I think he may believe I was just using the riots as an excuse, as his last text said we would speak 'in due course', hmmm....
Cant really blame him though, as I did drop him pretty completely in the past.
In other news, I just booked the shipping for my refrigerated 'man sample' (eek! :-))
The guy who's doing it seems so nice, and one has to wonder what he is getting out of it, after all, not even sex! It does increase my faith that there are some good men out there.
Money situation not getting any better. Especially as I have to go to the fertility clinic tomorrow and pay a big whack just for a consultation to get a prescription for progesterone pessaries to prevent miscarriage, but must have them and they wont prescribe without my turning up. I looked for one of those online pharmacies that would sell with no perscription, but the cost was so high that it wouldnt make sense over the long run (I have to use them for 16 weeks), plus I always worry that they wouldnt be the real deal. In the words of one of my many male friends, 'grrr'
Business-wise, I had hoped a lead from my landlords would work out, thereby being able to keep up with my rent. It looked rather promising, as its a gallery who sells prints, but only of blue chip Pop artists. And as I sell blue chip Photo Realists, we werent a match, so unfortunately no sale. :-(
Telling you this makes me realise that I have never promoted my site on this blog. So in case any of you are interested, my website is www.studiolulufinearts.com
It has about half the prints I have available on it ( yes, I know, I must add the rest!) plus I sell through Primrose Hill Interiors in the PH High St
Anyway, I'm off to do some errands, whilst knowing that a guy who've I've yet to meet, is doing the business to help my dream come true. I find that completely surreal.
Tomorrow is a big day in many ways, so I tell you how it went... 'in due course'. Lol
Wish me luck
*:-)
Sunday, 7 August 2011
The Butcher The Baker or The Candlestick Maker...?
Well o well o well.
Another interesting week.
Firstly, I heard from Danish donor with a lovely heart felt apology. Because I was so impressed with what he had to say, and his taking responsibility (and because I am keen to get moving on this), I forgave him and immediately re-started discussing the possibility of him being my donor.
That tanked pretty fast. First he said he couldnt come to London as he had taken all his holiday time burying his father (fair enough) but that I could come to him. I immediately explained that this wasnt possible right now. It then occurred to me to ask him again if he would be willing to inseminate through semen shipping, something we had discussed before, and, get this, no answer. Nothing.
I guess he just isnt serious after all. Next!
However, once I got this idea of the semen shipping into my head, I felt I had my plan, for this month at least.
And then, the married donor I have been charmed by his honesty through our communications since my interview on Radio 4, said he couldnt come to London to meet again, but this time because he and his wife are splitting (!) So that puts him firmly in the frame as donor, but unable to meet just now (no filming again then)...why does everything have to be so complicated? It made me laugh though because he said in his email that he was sure he told me that the marriage was going south. Well, between you and me, he definitely didnt. Guys, women always remember these things! Anyway, I sent him an email asking if he wanted to do the remote donation, but due to his marital probs he's been avoiding his computer and didnt get my email in time.
Anyway, determined not to give up, I trolled through my mental back catalog...the guy from last year's AI, no no no, too irritating. Last year's NI, absolutely not, not ever!
Sooo...who then? Well, I'm not telling you ;-) But, the package is due to be delivered to him from the States in couple of days, and then he will 'do the deed' and send it on to me by super speedy courier. Its all very technical, but he's a trooper, I'll give him that. I'm sure he'll work out the instructions.
Why, you might be wondering, did I decide, after all I've said, to do it this way? Well, I thought it through, why was it so appealing to me? I had a chat with a girlfriend last week about all these donor dramas, and she had said, perhaps then it would be easier for me if I did it the more conventional way, and I thought (and perhaps said) 'yes, but I have to know who the father of my baby is, and know that he will be a good father and want to know his child' Still, the whole meeting and doing AI or NI has been completely freaking me out, so I chose a middle ground. A donor I have gotten to know via email and text, and seen photos of, but not met, nor will I meet before we try this.
Will I be pleased with it, and try again if it doesnt work? I dont know. Am I just so averse to men that this is my right middle ground? You know, I gave this question a lot of thought, but its not the case.
It was super seeing my old friend recently, someone I once dated, really affirming, and I felt so much love in that. Not romantic love, but caring warmth toward him. I have a new Facebook penpal (I might have mentioned him) and I am enjoying our chats which have been going on for about two months, and was dissappointed when we didnt get to meet last Saturday when he was in London.
And, I have a date on Tuesday.
So no, I'm not afraid of or averse to men, but wanting, no, needing (biologically), to get pregnant right away, and also being single and wanting a mate, I dont want how I feel about the situation to make me lose sight of my focus. Whether that situation be sex with a stranger, or virtual stranger (increasingly more eek as I keep unravelling who I am and becoming more emotonally healthy), or AI with a stranger anywhere ( just plain ick). So this seems an interesting compromise. All I can say is, we'll see.
Incidently, my Tuesday date is with someone I dated briefly a few years ago, but it might as well be decades given how much I've changed, so that should be interesting.
In other news, my flat situation has gone from depressing to more depressing, as I just realised yesterday that will have been in this room (too small to really be called a flat) for 5 months this week, and all the other long timers are moving out one by one (two this week, one next). And it feels like there's nothing I can do about this, as I am having trouble paying my rent, so certainly dont have a deposit to rent a new cheaper flat. A vicious cycle and a nightmare.
And my computer client cancelled again! Or I should say, she didnt even bother to cancel this time. This is the fourth time. Any other time and I would tell her to f*** off but I really do need the money, so hopefully on Tuesday she will turn up, otherwise I may fire her anyway.
So its a rainy Sunday and I'm standing on the precipus of the start of another eventful week.
Wish me luck! and I'll let you know how it goes...
*:-) Leila
Another interesting week.
Firstly, I heard from Danish donor with a lovely heart felt apology. Because I was so impressed with what he had to say, and his taking responsibility (and because I am keen to get moving on this), I forgave him and immediately re-started discussing the possibility of him being my donor.
That tanked pretty fast. First he said he couldnt come to London as he had taken all his holiday time burying his father (fair enough) but that I could come to him. I immediately explained that this wasnt possible right now. It then occurred to me to ask him again if he would be willing to inseminate through semen shipping, something we had discussed before, and, get this, no answer. Nothing.
I guess he just isnt serious after all. Next!
However, once I got this idea of the semen shipping into my head, I felt I had my plan, for this month at least.
And then, the married donor I have been charmed by his honesty through our communications since my interview on Radio 4, said he couldnt come to London to meet again, but this time because he and his wife are splitting (!) So that puts him firmly in the frame as donor, but unable to meet just now (no filming again then)...why does everything have to be so complicated? It made me laugh though because he said in his email that he was sure he told me that the marriage was going south. Well, between you and me, he definitely didnt. Guys, women always remember these things! Anyway, I sent him an email asking if he wanted to do the remote donation, but due to his marital probs he's been avoiding his computer and didnt get my email in time.
Anyway, determined not to give up, I trolled through my mental back catalog...the guy from last year's AI, no no no, too irritating. Last year's NI, absolutely not, not ever!
Sooo...who then? Well, I'm not telling you ;-) But, the package is due to be delivered to him from the States in couple of days, and then he will 'do the deed' and send it on to me by super speedy courier. Its all very technical, but he's a trooper, I'll give him that. I'm sure he'll work out the instructions.
Why, you might be wondering, did I decide, after all I've said, to do it this way? Well, I thought it through, why was it so appealing to me? I had a chat with a girlfriend last week about all these donor dramas, and she had said, perhaps then it would be easier for me if I did it the more conventional way, and I thought (and perhaps said) 'yes, but I have to know who the father of my baby is, and know that he will be a good father and want to know his child' Still, the whole meeting and doing AI or NI has been completely freaking me out, so I chose a middle ground. A donor I have gotten to know via email and text, and seen photos of, but not met, nor will I meet before we try this.
Will I be pleased with it, and try again if it doesnt work? I dont know. Am I just so averse to men that this is my right middle ground? You know, I gave this question a lot of thought, but its not the case.
It was super seeing my old friend recently, someone I once dated, really affirming, and I felt so much love in that. Not romantic love, but caring warmth toward him. I have a new Facebook penpal (I might have mentioned him) and I am enjoying our chats which have been going on for about two months, and was dissappointed when we didnt get to meet last Saturday when he was in London.
And, I have a date on Tuesday.
So no, I'm not afraid of or averse to men, but wanting, no, needing (biologically), to get pregnant right away, and also being single and wanting a mate, I dont want how I feel about the situation to make me lose sight of my focus. Whether that situation be sex with a stranger, or virtual stranger (increasingly more eek as I keep unravelling who I am and becoming more emotonally healthy), or AI with a stranger anywhere ( just plain ick). So this seems an interesting compromise. All I can say is, we'll see.
Incidently, my Tuesday date is with someone I dated briefly a few years ago, but it might as well be decades given how much I've changed, so that should be interesting.
In other news, my flat situation has gone from depressing to more depressing, as I just realised yesterday that will have been in this room (too small to really be called a flat) for 5 months this week, and all the other long timers are moving out one by one (two this week, one next). And it feels like there's nothing I can do about this, as I am having trouble paying my rent, so certainly dont have a deposit to rent a new cheaper flat. A vicious cycle and a nightmare.
And my computer client cancelled again! Or I should say, she didnt even bother to cancel this time. This is the fourth time. Any other time and I would tell her to f*** off but I really do need the money, so hopefully on Tuesday she will turn up, otherwise I may fire her anyway.
So its a rainy Sunday and I'm standing on the precipus of the start of another eventful week.
Wish me luck! and I'll let you know how it goes...
*:-) Leila
Sunday, 31 July 2011
The Alarmist, The Fantasist, and The Frenchman
What a week.
First of all, I was supposed to move into another flat of my landlord's and after an entire week of going back and forth about what I would pay, what he would or wouldnt do, and how long I could stay, he vetoed the whole thing. And now to top it off, I am still in the same old place with noisier neighbours than I had before.
Hence my lack of writing as I now spend as much time out as possible, and when I am here, its too noisy to concentrate on writing this. Anyway, theres' been a lot going on this week, the upshot of which blog-wise is that I will have to write about seeing my old friend and y appearnace in today's Telegraph, another time and focus on what you are all here to read- the donor story.
And this week, the donor hijinx have been unending. On Monday a man was due to come on the eurostar from Paris to stay over night in a hotel and discuss the possibility of us co-parenting, but after a chatty start on the internet, he became more demanding and intractable ('I am coming to London on Monday') and then unreachable, not responding to my texts as the day got closer, so I had to cancel. I had visions of someone as difficult as my tyrannical second husband, and who needs that? If I wanted to share parenting with someone like that I would have had kids with my husband. Ok, so technically most of that took place last week, but it had an effect on the start of this week.
Then I another donor was due to come from Devon on a coach (!) and return the same day (!!) on Friday to meet and discuss co-parenting, but I had to veto him as well. He kept writing me these emails which kept saying things like 'take the utmost utmost care of yourself' as if something was going to happen to me, it was really weirding me out. I mean we havent even met yet, what would he be like once I got pregnant?? The upshot was I got food poisoning the night before he was due to come and I had to cancel at 4 a.m.. As I was retching, I kept thinking what a lucky escape I'd had this week, times two. Neither of them, I might add got back to me by email or text or anything, which just shows you what kind of people they are.
But was that it? Noooo. Middle of the week (please forgive the jump in timeline) I got the weirdest email from a guy I had communicated with a few times. He is, get ready for it, a German, with a French name, who lives in Ireland, and not even Dublin, but the outer reaches. He is an actor. I tell myself to keep an open mind, and this is what I get. Anyway, he writes me this email saying how he couldnt look at me on Facebook 'for personal reasons' and that although we now knew each other's real names (although his is a made up French 'real' name) that we should continue to address each other by our screen names as it was more poetic. And, he went on to tell me that, although he had contacted me, he was unable to meet or consider donoring until September. Well, I completely lost it in response. What a load of fairy nonsense! Make that three lucky escapes in one week.
Oh, and on a more minor note, the sort of skivey back back up donor I have had around, responded to my text requesting some proof of who he is and his test results, by saying that he is now newly in a relationship- yeah, right. Ok, make it four.
All of this (except the flat stuff) just proves the concept that there are a lot of weirdos on the internet, and that, by and large, there is usually a reason why a man who wants kids, cant find a woman to be with.
I'm off now to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet before the neighbours get home.
Toodle pip
*:-)
First of all, I was supposed to move into another flat of my landlord's and after an entire week of going back and forth about what I would pay, what he would or wouldnt do, and how long I could stay, he vetoed the whole thing. And now to top it off, I am still in the same old place with noisier neighbours than I had before.
Hence my lack of writing as I now spend as much time out as possible, and when I am here, its too noisy to concentrate on writing this. Anyway, theres' been a lot going on this week, the upshot of which blog-wise is that I will have to write about seeing my old friend and y appearnace in today's Telegraph, another time and focus on what you are all here to read- the donor story.
And this week, the donor hijinx have been unending. On Monday a man was due to come on the eurostar from Paris to stay over night in a hotel and discuss the possibility of us co-parenting, but after a chatty start on the internet, he became more demanding and intractable ('I am coming to London on Monday') and then unreachable, not responding to my texts as the day got closer, so I had to cancel. I had visions of someone as difficult as my tyrannical second husband, and who needs that? If I wanted to share parenting with someone like that I would have had kids with my husband. Ok, so technically most of that took place last week, but it had an effect on the start of this week.
Then I another donor was due to come from Devon on a coach (!) and return the same day (!!) on Friday to meet and discuss co-parenting, but I had to veto him as well. He kept writing me these emails which kept saying things like 'take the utmost utmost care of yourself' as if something was going to happen to me, it was really weirding me out. I mean we havent even met yet, what would he be like once I got pregnant?? The upshot was I got food poisoning the night before he was due to come and I had to cancel at 4 a.m.. As I was retching, I kept thinking what a lucky escape I'd had this week, times two. Neither of them, I might add got back to me by email or text or anything, which just shows you what kind of people they are.
But was that it? Noooo. Middle of the week (please forgive the jump in timeline) I got the weirdest email from a guy I had communicated with a few times. He is, get ready for it, a German, with a French name, who lives in Ireland, and not even Dublin, but the outer reaches. He is an actor. I tell myself to keep an open mind, and this is what I get. Anyway, he writes me this email saying how he couldnt look at me on Facebook 'for personal reasons' and that although we now knew each other's real names (although his is a made up French 'real' name) that we should continue to address each other by our screen names as it was more poetic. And, he went on to tell me that, although he had contacted me, he was unable to meet or consider donoring until September. Well, I completely lost it in response. What a load of fairy nonsense! Make that three lucky escapes in one week.
Oh, and on a more minor note, the sort of skivey back back up donor I have had around, responded to my text requesting some proof of who he is and his test results, by saying that he is now newly in a relationship- yeah, right. Ok, make it four.
All of this (except the flat stuff) just proves the concept that there are a lot of weirdos on the internet, and that, by and large, there is usually a reason why a man who wants kids, cant find a woman to be with.
I'm off now to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet before the neighbours get home.
Toodle pip
*:-)
Friday, 22 July 2011
Life,The Fertility Clinc and Me
Hey ho, again I feel I must apologise for not keeping things up to date. AGAIN.
But, what with my computer being dead as a dodo for a few days (needed a new power cord, again, the second in three months, but that was somewhat of a relief as fairly cheap to sort out), and more nutty neighbors which make it impossible to it peacefully at my desk and write, its been tough, although my mind has been full of ideas. Which has led me to the decision that I must get one of those mini laptops so that I can a) have a back up devise, and b) take it with me and write in pubs, parks cafes etc. The money isnt there, but am beginning to see it as a professional necessity.
Anyway, getting on to what this piece is supposed to be about as per the title, last week I had a very surreal experience. Usually when I set up a scenario like it my mid would be rife with memories and connections and projecting how I was going to feel, but because I have been so distracted by donor stuff, and money stuff, and business stuff (related to money stuff, but not the same) and perhaps because the Sedona Method has allowed me to let go of some of my obsessiveness, it just didnt cross my mind, until I had crossed the threshold. 'Of where?' I hear you asking, hold on, I'm getting to that. I started having an obsessive moment a few weeks ago that I should check out my reproductive health (still obsessive in some ways then) and as such, felt I should do a chlamydia test (bought from Boots for £25, why spend more, esp when I've only had sex about 3 times since my last one) and get a smear test (known as a pap smear in the States), since I hadnt had one in a couple of years. After giving some thought to my GYN options (all private as I do not currently use the NHS) I realised that the two GYNs I'd been to wouldnt do,didnt really like them plus would have to pay for an office visit, so made an appointment at the London Women's Clinic where, not only did ave my last smear done by a female nurse fora reasonable cost, I have had a number of fertility treatments and tests there as well.
It just didnt occur to me how much water had passed under the bridge of my fertility journey since my last visit.
SO now having become the face of known donoring, and having tried both AI and NI through those means, and having been properly pregnant and miscarrying, you could say that quite a bit has gone on in the last couple of years. It made me realise just how much I have change and matured in my relationship to this stuff and how much more in control I feel; because I have taken control, and so it felt quite good. Plus I got my smear done for £50 by a nice female nurse, instead of having some rough handed male doctor do it.
Win win really. My only gripe is that they wont, in some bid for sensitivity, leave the results on my voice mail, which means a constant round of phone tag, but never mind.
That's it really *:-)
So in the next couple of posts, I'' take about new donors found and lost (some intentionally), and meeting up with an old friend.
Until then, the only song thats been going through my head lately is kind of sappy and 90s, its 'Hold On' by those Beach Boy daughters (gakk, but lyrically appropriate *:-))
But, what with my computer being dead as a dodo for a few days (needed a new power cord, again, the second in three months, but that was somewhat of a relief as fairly cheap to sort out), and more nutty neighbors which make it impossible to it peacefully at my desk and write, its been tough, although my mind has been full of ideas. Which has led me to the decision that I must get one of those mini laptops so that I can a) have a back up devise, and b) take it with me and write in pubs, parks cafes etc. The money isnt there, but am beginning to see it as a professional necessity.
Anyway, getting on to what this piece is supposed to be about as per the title, last week I had a very surreal experience. Usually when I set up a scenario like it my mid would be rife with memories and connections and projecting how I was going to feel, but because I have been so distracted by donor stuff, and money stuff, and business stuff (related to money stuff, but not the same) and perhaps because the Sedona Method has allowed me to let go of some of my obsessiveness, it just didnt cross my mind, until I had crossed the threshold. 'Of where?' I hear you asking, hold on, I'm getting to that. I started having an obsessive moment a few weeks ago that I should check out my reproductive health (still obsessive in some ways then) and as such, felt I should do a chlamydia test (bought from Boots for £25, why spend more, esp when I've only had sex about 3 times since my last one) and get a smear test (known as a pap smear in the States), since I hadnt had one in a couple of years. After giving some thought to my GYN options (all private as I do not currently use the NHS) I realised that the two GYNs I'd been to wouldnt do,didnt really like them plus would have to pay for an office visit, so made an appointment at the London Women's Clinic where, not only did ave my last smear done by a female nurse fora reasonable cost, I have had a number of fertility treatments and tests there as well.
It just didnt occur to me how much water had passed under the bridge of my fertility journey since my last visit.
SO now having become the face of known donoring, and having tried both AI and NI through those means, and having been properly pregnant and miscarrying, you could say that quite a bit has gone on in the last couple of years. It made me realise just how much I have change and matured in my relationship to this stuff and how much more in control I feel; because I have taken control, and so it felt quite good. Plus I got my smear done for £50 by a nice female nurse, instead of having some rough handed male doctor do it.
Win win really. My only gripe is that they wont, in some bid for sensitivity, leave the results on my voice mail, which means a constant round of phone tag, but never mind.
That's it really *:-)
So in the next couple of posts, I'' take about new donors found and lost (some intentionally), and meeting up with an old friend.
Until then, the only song thats been going through my head lately is kind of sappy and 90s, its 'Hold On' by those Beach Boy daughters (gakk, but lyrically appropriate *:-))
Sunday, 17 July 2011
'Something is Rotten in the State of Denmark'...*
Hello All.
It has been far too long since I have last posted, but as things go, first there wasnt much going on in my fertility story, and then something so monumentally upsetting happened that I had to take a while to digest it all. So here we are several weeks later with things suddenly picking up speed, and several people asking what was going on having checked here first and found nothing.
First of all, lets put pay to the last chapter of the Danish donor, so that we can move onto other things.
Several weeks ago he was due to come over again, having cancelled on me in the last moment both of the two cycles before; this time he promised he wouldnt let me down, I held out hope. About a week before though he literally ceased any type of communication, and this after emailing back and forth more than once a day for months on end.
Finally after really pressing, he responded that his father had had a heart attack. I responded that although that was a shame he still had made a commitment to me and that to cease communication was not acceptable (I said some other things too; I was quite upset) because at this point it was far too late for me to make other arrangements. After some more back and forth he finally admitted that he had received an email from a Dutch guy on the site that I had exchanged about 3 emails with, and then written off because he was obnoxious and rude. Well, this guy decided he was going to try to get his own back, so looked up the only Danish donor and must have told him some lies about me, because there would really be nothing else for him to say, as he hadnt even met me, and knew nothing about me. That didnt piss me off so much as that stupid Danish donor believed him, some guy he didnt know, instead of me, who he'd been communicating with for almost a year. Then the cherry on top was that he said he had been on to the consulate website to see about my passport. What an asshole.
Anyway, thats the story, and it would seem I've had a lucky escape, as he proved himself to be a devious Hollyoaks type!
Moving on I have joined a new site and met some new potential donors there, plus I am meeting someone on Thursday who heard me on the radio. He sounds a very nice guy, but is married so I am unsure how that would, or wouldnt, work. Still we have a good communication so I dont want to write off a good potential co-parent, as they have proved very hard to find!
In other news, a couple of weeks ago, someone I met and dated 6 years ago found me on facebook, and we are meeting for coffee tomorrow. It isnt about dating with him, as we only dated briefly and then became friends before losing touch about 5 years ago, but it will be interesting, as I havent met up with anyone from that period in my life since, and there's been soooo much water under the bridge.
I also had a lovely lunch with my Dad the other day. We also had a look around the frankly primarily gag-inducing Wallace Collection- far too much guilt for me. There were however, some gorgeous Van Dyck's. The Laughing Cavalier is amazing. Also some good English and religious paintings.
Thats it for now.
Now that I'm back to writing, I will do my best to keep you up to date on all goings on!
*:-) xxx
*The title is of course a quote from the great man himself, Shakespeare
It has been far too long since I have last posted, but as things go, first there wasnt much going on in my fertility story, and then something so monumentally upsetting happened that I had to take a while to digest it all. So here we are several weeks later with things suddenly picking up speed, and several people asking what was going on having checked here first and found nothing.
First of all, lets put pay to the last chapter of the Danish donor, so that we can move onto other things.
Several weeks ago he was due to come over again, having cancelled on me in the last moment both of the two cycles before; this time he promised he wouldnt let me down, I held out hope. About a week before though he literally ceased any type of communication, and this after emailing back and forth more than once a day for months on end.
Finally after really pressing, he responded that his father had had a heart attack. I responded that although that was a shame he still had made a commitment to me and that to cease communication was not acceptable (I said some other things too; I was quite upset) because at this point it was far too late for me to make other arrangements. After some more back and forth he finally admitted that he had received an email from a Dutch guy on the site that I had exchanged about 3 emails with, and then written off because he was obnoxious and rude. Well, this guy decided he was going to try to get his own back, so looked up the only Danish donor and must have told him some lies about me, because there would really be nothing else for him to say, as he hadnt even met me, and knew nothing about me. That didnt piss me off so much as that stupid Danish donor believed him, some guy he didnt know, instead of me, who he'd been communicating with for almost a year. Then the cherry on top was that he said he had been on to the consulate website to see about my passport. What an asshole.
Anyway, thats the story, and it would seem I've had a lucky escape, as he proved himself to be a devious Hollyoaks type!
Moving on I have joined a new site and met some new potential donors there, plus I am meeting someone on Thursday who heard me on the radio. He sounds a very nice guy, but is married so I am unsure how that would, or wouldnt, work. Still we have a good communication so I dont want to write off a good potential co-parent, as they have proved very hard to find!
In other news, a couple of weeks ago, someone I met and dated 6 years ago found me on facebook, and we are meeting for coffee tomorrow. It isnt about dating with him, as we only dated briefly and then became friends before losing touch about 5 years ago, but it will be interesting, as I havent met up with anyone from that period in my life since, and there's been soooo much water under the bridge.
I also had a lovely lunch with my Dad the other day. We also had a look around the frankly primarily gag-inducing Wallace Collection- far too much guilt for me. There were however, some gorgeous Van Dyck's. The Laughing Cavalier is amazing. Also some good English and religious paintings.
Thats it for now.
Now that I'm back to writing, I will do my best to keep you up to date on all goings on!
*:-) xxx
*The title is of course a quote from the great man himself, Shakespeare
Monday, 20 June 2011
All My Eggs in One Basket, Still
It has been a very very long time since I've posted.
I just couldnt find enough to say when not much was going on with my 'fertility journey', I put that in quotes as I realise it sounds a bit pretentious, but its the way its being described by the media so it'll have to do.
I think I may have written about this already but, last Monday I was interviewed again by the first journalist who interviewed me, the one before the Times writer. Anyway, now she's doing a piece for the Sunday Telegraph and although this wont be solely about me, it is a feature in the Sunday magazine so its a good thing, I think. She was fun to talk to and has a story of her own so it wasnt quite so tiring as other interviews but still quite draining- there's something exhausting about talking about oneself. I'm sort of surprised I havent heard from her after the interview though...Anyway, the photo shoot is on Friday, and I think I'm going to get my hair cut but not my highlights re-done beforehand, who has time?
In other news, Danish donor swears he's going to make it this time, which good because I still dont have my new passport. I was contacted by a new donor within the last week, he is Dutch, and here in London (a big bonus) and with the right physical characteristics. He sounded promising at first, but his emails began to annoy me, as it became clear he was completely egocentric and had serious trust issues, so he is disqualified as a back-up. It was so bad in the end that I didnt even bother to meet him. So all my eggs are still in one basket *sigh* Fingers crossed
Between that and the photo shoot, and a few other things, such as the revolving door of next door neighbors, and money, and a few people I thought were good friends disappearing on me, I am quite stressed -ARGH- I relax for a few minutes and then one of these situations pops into my head and a I get another headache, or stomach ache, or my shoulders stiffen til they hit my ears> Sedona Method must be the answer.
I'm sure I should close with a song, but I cant think of one at the moment (again) so I'll just say
Nightie night
*:-/ Lulu
I just couldnt find enough to say when not much was going on with my 'fertility journey', I put that in quotes as I realise it sounds a bit pretentious, but its the way its being described by the media so it'll have to do.
I think I may have written about this already but, last Monday I was interviewed again by the first journalist who interviewed me, the one before the Times writer. Anyway, now she's doing a piece for the Sunday Telegraph and although this wont be solely about me, it is a feature in the Sunday magazine so its a good thing, I think. She was fun to talk to and has a story of her own so it wasnt quite so tiring as other interviews but still quite draining- there's something exhausting about talking about oneself. I'm sort of surprised I havent heard from her after the interview though...Anyway, the photo shoot is on Friday, and I think I'm going to get my hair cut but not my highlights re-done beforehand, who has time?
In other news, Danish donor swears he's going to make it this time, which good because I still dont have my new passport. I was contacted by a new donor within the last week, he is Dutch, and here in London (a big bonus) and with the right physical characteristics. He sounded promising at first, but his emails began to annoy me, as it became clear he was completely egocentric and had serious trust issues, so he is disqualified as a back-up. It was so bad in the end that I didnt even bother to meet him. So all my eggs are still in one basket *sigh* Fingers crossed
Between that and the photo shoot, and a few other things, such as the revolving door of next door neighbors, and money, and a few people I thought were good friends disappearing on me, I am quite stressed -ARGH- I relax for a few minutes and then one of these situations pops into my head and a I get another headache, or stomach ache, or my shoulders stiffen til they hit my ears> Sedona Method must be the answer.
I'm sure I should close with a song, but I cant think of one at the moment (again) so I'll just say
Nightie night
*:-/ Lulu
Sunday, 5 June 2011
The Lost Weekend
Hmm, well pretty much of a washout in all respects. I cancelled my dates, I just didnt feel like going. One guy was a sport, the other nasty- I always see a reaction like that as an excellent sign of someone avoided, so no losses there.
It was so hot yesterday that I just collapsed in the evening and slept better than I have in weeks, then it rained today.
So no big things going on fertility-wise at the moment...another egg (or two?) wasted. This evening just watching telly- Countryfile and One Born Every Minute, lots of fertility there!
I suppose if there was going to be a song of the day it would have to be 'Another One Bites the Dust' by Queen...
At least I havent lost my sense of humour!
*:-)
It was so hot yesterday that I just collapsed in the evening and slept better than I have in weeks, then it rained today.
So no big things going on fertility-wise at the moment...another egg (or two?) wasted. This evening just watching telly- Countryfile and One Born Every Minute, lots of fertility there!
I suppose if there was going to be a song of the day it would have to be 'Another One Bites the Dust' by Queen...
At least I havent lost my sense of humour!
*:-)
Friday, 3 June 2011
Fantastic swimmers, but far far away
I've just gotten an email from my Dane. He took it upon himself to do a sperm motility test (I guess he must be a bit bored stuck at home with a broken ankle :-) Anyway, he sent me the results and they seem VERY good; too bad they arent strong enough to swim on over here!
As it is I am having a weekend nothing like I had planned, no donors. The two I'd like are unable to make it, and the rest have been disqualified for being prats.
So...I have a couple of dates (yawn) with people that dont really interest me, at least not in that way, but I'm not going to sit around on my own all weekend when people are asking me out for a drink and a chat-well they might have more in mind, but not going to happen.
The last few days have been sooo hot and my week was quite hectic with other work, so plan to just chill out, literally, this weekend.
Still not much happening on the fertility front except that I've just found out that I'll be in the Sunday Telegraph. No donor dates to film though. But strangely, I dont feel any angst about all of this, I'm totally ok with it. When the time is right, it will happen. All day I've been seeing people totally wound up and just felt fine. Thank you, Sedona Method http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky
Hmmm, a song for the day... cant think of the right one, oh well, never mind*:-)
Night night
As it is I am having a weekend nothing like I had planned, no donors. The two I'd like are unable to make it, and the rest have been disqualified for being prats.
So...I have a couple of dates (yawn) with people that dont really interest me, at least not in that way, but I'm not going to sit around on my own all weekend when people are asking me out for a drink and a chat-well they might have more in mind, but not going to happen.
The last few days have been sooo hot and my week was quite hectic with other work, so plan to just chill out, literally, this weekend.
Still not much happening on the fertility front except that I've just found out that I'll be in the Sunday Telegraph. No donor dates to film though. But strangely, I dont feel any angst about all of this, I'm totally ok with it. When the time is right, it will happen. All day I've been seeing people totally wound up and just felt fine. Thank you, Sedona Method http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky
Night night
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Are You In Are You Out
...This is a line from the Joan Armatrading song 'Join the Boys' its about something totally other than my situation but the words are quite apt...
Are you for or against us
We are trying to get somewhere
Looking around for a helping hand
We're doing our best to keep it steady
But it's falling down around us
Blows keep coming fast and strong
I done found another fellow
He agrees with my direction
Arms around each others shoulders we go everywhere
Are you in, are you out
We'll succeed where others failed
Stay together many years
And watch us take the world by storm
Are you in, are you out...
I also have the poss of 2 real dates (yawn)
I am soo tired I have been going since early morning, its midnight and I'm still multitasking as I write this. Still, I am happy to have all these things going on, so no complaints really! *:-)
Night night
Are you for or against us
We are trying to get somewhere
Looking around for a helping hand
We're doing our best to keep it steady
But it's falling down around us
Blows keep coming fast and strong
I done found another fellow
He agrees with my direction
Arms around each others shoulders we go everywhere
Are you in, are you out
We'll succeed where others failed
Stay together many years
And watch us take the world by storm
Are you in, are you out...
I am scrambling to find a back up donor as my Dane had a mountain biking accident and cant come over, and cant go there because I havent got my new passport yet, but I told you that yesterday didnt I?
I cant remember because I am soo busy.
We tried to sort his shipping the semen but the only company that seems to sell the shipping containers is in the States (why not Denmark, the home of all donors?) and it all got to late to sort out, and as for the rest (3 -5 people) I am trying to figure out what to do. One option is my AI donor from last year who is now 'open minded' ha, I'd believe that when I see it! Besides he smelled like a dank basement and I dont know if he's sorted that out yet, and how can one ask? 'Hey, long time no speaky, do you still pong?'I also have the poss of 2 real dates (yawn)
I am soo tired I have been going since early morning, its midnight and I'm still multitasking as I write this. Still, I am happy to have all these things going on, so no complaints really! *:-)
Night night
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Long Time Gone...
Ok, so its been a long time since I wrote anything here...a really long time.
Not much has been happening outwardly on the fertility front, just releasing my inner stuff (see past posts about the Sedona Method) and getting on with other aspects of my life.
I was fully expecting my donor to be coming over this weekend with hope that someone else might come through as a second, but my Danish donor had a mountain biking accident and and the other person has dropped out, leaving me and Danish donor scrambling to see if we can get his sperm shipped here in time but its looking iffy, since it seems that the only company that sells the special mailers is in the States. This is driving me nuts!
I am waiting for my replacement passport to come through and it wont come til after the weekend and I just DO NOT want to wait until next month. Argh!!
SO someone up there, if you are reading this, work your magic (or come on Mr. M)!
*:-)
Not much has been happening outwardly on the fertility front, just releasing my inner stuff (see past posts about the Sedona Method) and getting on with other aspects of my life.
I was fully expecting my donor to be coming over this weekend with hope that someone else might come through as a second, but my Danish donor had a mountain biking accident and and the other person has dropped out, leaving me and Danish donor scrambling to see if we can get his sperm shipped here in time but its looking iffy, since it seems that the only company that sells the special mailers is in the States. This is driving me nuts!
I am waiting for my replacement passport to come through and it wont come til after the weekend and I just DO NOT want to wait until next month. Argh!!
SO someone up there, if you are reading this, work your magic (or come on Mr. M)!
*:-)
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Dont Stop the Dance
SO I did the radio interview on Saturday, and it was a wonderful experience.
From the strength of that interview, and the response, which was one of the highest they've received on the show, I have now been invited onto the Jeremy Vine show, which is a bigger show on radio 2, and he also presents on tv, but that might be a bit rough, so not sure if I'll do it. I'm speaking to the producer tomorrow and we'll see...
The people from Saturday Live were absolutely lovely, as were many of the listeners, and I had a wonderful time. Although, I had to dash straight to filming for the documentary for six hours, so by the end of the day, was completely tired of talking!
Part of the filming turned out to be an impromptu interview by a neighbor who I'd never met before. She asked what we were filming while we were on the way to meet a potential donor, she asked some great questions, which was a surprise but really fun. The donor was awful and wooden and wore dark glasses the whole time, and kept furtively looking around; it was really weird.
Anyway, this week is fairly quiet as the filmmaker is away and no major meetings with anyone.
Now, I must address something: I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet about people who keep going on about my having kids on my own...its simply a choice over not having them at all.
I am much tougher, more together and more organised than I have ever been, and definitely feel much more able to cope than I ever would have. Plus I have a huge amount of support. And I would also say, that people cope with harder things. Wanting something so absolutely makes it easier, because when things get rough, one can always look back and realise that the goal has finally been reached; the joy of that will carry me through. Also, depending on who the donor ends up being, they will be involved and supportive, and that is the kind of donor I am looking for. So everyone stop worrying so much! I love you and I appreciate that you care, but just stop worrying! There. Thats my soapbox done for the day!
So here I am, having started my journey, and firmly on my way, but not anywhere near the end...so the song for the day is as this post is titled, by Roxy Music
Night night
*:-) Lulu
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
The Italian Job
Well, things certainly have been weird lately with potential donors swinging in and out of the trees at such a rate that I'm getting dizzy.
Yesterday I received about 50 emails (no exaggeration) from an Italian potential donor, hence the title although I was thinking of 'A Gentleman from Verona' because he is, from Verona that is, but certainly no gentleman.
Anyway, he was thinking of coming over from Italy today so that we could 'make a beautiful baby boy together' but that feel apart a bit when I demanded STD test papers, and he demanded a photo of me in a bikini- clearly we are not on the same page with what donoring is about...
Also, my lovely Danish donor couldnt come over on Tuesday because he couldnt get even few hours off work, so no donors for now.
Today, I was supposed to speak to the person to set the questions for the radio show on Saturday but was bumped by a 'biopolar' Adam Ant who she was interviewing, so the day was a bit frustrating, since I had been offered work this afternoon helping someone set up her computer. Still, I wasnt feeling all that well, due to the disappointment about things getting so muddled and yet still frantic this week, so I probably wouldnt have been at my best to help her anyway.
Anyway, I started feeling better by supper time, as I had spent much of the day doing the Sedona Method, which is a complete godsend! Alters the darkest mood every time.
http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky
I had made a nice pot roast yesterday for tonight (was I being psychic chef?), and I had a nice chat with someone else from my past this eve, so all in all, my mood has definitely improved.
And at ths moment, the gentleman from Verona is now emailing me again and still wants to be my donor, and is agreeing to be filmed (from the back).
It is hard to find donors who want to take part, one even told me I shouldnt publicise it! How dare he, how are others going to find out its an option, if that dont hear about it, honestly...and I dont tell him what to do. I have another who's agreed, and another who might (and of course lovely Danish donor has been ok with it all along :-)
Thats it for now, I am knackered again, and my boobs are huge! And I just felt my egg go - yes I have just ovulated as I blog.So I must lie down. And its weird to feel it, I dont think I used to... And its so weird how ovulation mimics pregnancy.
Song for the day, lets see....
'Slave to Love' by Roxy Music
Why? Because this whole thing is embodied in the lyrics, a song about romantic love, could it be? Yes, this is all about love. The desire to have a child is a kind of love of its own. That doesnt change when you are trying to make a baby with a donor, the donors express it that way too, which is so lovely. And thats why I'm doing all this. You dont get that at a clinic, only a feeling of weird isolation.
Yesterday I received about 50 emails (no exaggeration) from an Italian potential donor, hence the title although I was thinking of 'A Gentleman from Verona' because he is, from Verona that is, but certainly no gentleman.
Anyway, he was thinking of coming over from Italy today so that we could 'make a beautiful baby boy together' but that feel apart a bit when I demanded STD test papers, and he demanded a photo of me in a bikini- clearly we are not on the same page with what donoring is about...
Also, my lovely Danish donor couldnt come over on Tuesday because he couldnt get even few hours off work, so no donors for now.
Today, I was supposed to speak to the person to set the questions for the radio show on Saturday but was bumped by a 'biopolar' Adam Ant who she was interviewing, so the day was a bit frustrating, since I had been offered work this afternoon helping someone set up her computer. Still, I wasnt feeling all that well, due to the disappointment about things getting so muddled and yet still frantic this week, so I probably wouldnt have been at my best to help her anyway.
Anyway, I started feeling better by supper time, as I had spent much of the day doing the Sedona Method, which is a complete godsend! Alters the darkest mood every time.
http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky
I had made a nice pot roast yesterday for tonight (was I being psychic chef?), and I had a nice chat with someone else from my past this eve, so all in all, my mood has definitely improved.
And at ths moment, the gentleman from Verona is now emailing me again and still wants to be my donor, and is agreeing to be filmed (from the back).
It is hard to find donors who want to take part, one even told me I shouldnt publicise it! How dare he, how are others going to find out its an option, if that dont hear about it, honestly...and I dont tell him what to do. I have another who's agreed, and another who might (and of course lovely Danish donor has been ok with it all along :-)
Thats it for now, I am knackered again, and my boobs are huge! And I just felt my egg go - yes I have just ovulated as I blog.So I must lie down. And its weird to feel it, I dont think I used to... And its so weird how ovulation mimics pregnancy.
Song for the day, lets see....
'Slave to Love' by Roxy Music
Why? Because this whole thing is embodied in the lyrics, a song about romantic love, could it be? Yes, this is all about love. The desire to have a child is a kind of love of its own. That doesnt change when you are trying to make a baby with a donor, the donors express it that way too, which is so lovely. And thats why I'm doing all this. You dont get that at a clinic, only a feeling of weird isolation.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Is Your Love Strong Enough
Well, its Sunday evening.
Friday I spent five hours being interviewed and filmed for the documentary, then had to hurry to walk the dog and change to rush off to my Dad's birthday dinner. I wasnt sure what I was going to wear, so it was quite a good piece of luck that a dress I had ordered on the internet showed up about 15 minutes after the filmmaker left. Fit perfectly, looked great, went with jacket shoes and bag I had; put my hair up, touched up my make up, and caught the tube. I was only 5 minutes late. It was lovely. Lovely place, lovely food, everyone got along.
Then yesterday I took Aslan to the park in the late morning only to end up having lunch with my Dad and stepMum and my brother who lives in New York. That only got hairy toward the end as my brother grilled me a bit about what I'm up to, but by his standard it was a gentle grilling, and since I now spend so much time discussing and being supported in what I'm doing, I held my own. Anyway, it was the morning walk that didnt end until 2 pm. This morning's walk ended up pretty much the same time-wise, but two work things came out of it, one big, one small. Thank God for dogs, dog walks, dog life. However, between all that and the new running regime, I am knackered!
And donors. Ah, donors donors everywhere, as far as the eye can see.
The article was re-printed in the Irish Independent, and it seems that it has inspired a big spike of altruistic donor-ism. I was a bit pissed off at first when the re-print was brought to my attention by the filmmaker, because my name was deleted, but the writer said she would try to sort it out for me, so am mollified.
Anyway, as I said the horizon is full of donors, full of promise (and promises!) but eeny meeny miney mo, where I'll stop nobody knows- least of all me...
Settling for the wrong one seems completely out of the question at this point.
And tomorrow its back to media darling-hood, and trying to sort through the jungle of donors.
Still not sure whats happening with my Danish donor, he has to see if he can take off work to come over, since I cant make it Denmark. Also, am worried he may be getting too emotionally involved...
Then on top of that I am trying to have some regular dates as well, its not my plan to be single, and if I met someone (who wants a baby or not) all the better (although it would be better if they wanted one, given the current state of things)
Well, must get on...
The song for the day is
'Is Your Love Strong Enough' by Roxy Music
Because its something I ask all the time... of myself, and of others.
*;-)Lulu
Friday I spent five hours being interviewed and filmed for the documentary, then had to hurry to walk the dog and change to rush off to my Dad's birthday dinner. I wasnt sure what I was going to wear, so it was quite a good piece of luck that a dress I had ordered on the internet showed up about 15 minutes after the filmmaker left. Fit perfectly, looked great, went with jacket shoes and bag I had; put my hair up, touched up my make up, and caught the tube. I was only 5 minutes late. It was lovely. Lovely place, lovely food, everyone got along.
Then yesterday I took Aslan to the park in the late morning only to end up having lunch with my Dad and stepMum and my brother who lives in New York. That only got hairy toward the end as my brother grilled me a bit about what I'm up to, but by his standard it was a gentle grilling, and since I now spend so much time discussing and being supported in what I'm doing, I held my own. Anyway, it was the morning walk that didnt end until 2 pm. This morning's walk ended up pretty much the same time-wise, but two work things came out of it, one big, one small. Thank God for dogs, dog walks, dog life. However, between all that and the new running regime, I am knackered!
And donors. Ah, donors donors everywhere, as far as the eye can see.
The article was re-printed in the Irish Independent, and it seems that it has inspired a big spike of altruistic donor-ism. I was a bit pissed off at first when the re-print was brought to my attention by the filmmaker, because my name was deleted, but the writer said she would try to sort it out for me, so am mollified.
Anyway, as I said the horizon is full of donors, full of promise (and promises!) but eeny meeny miney mo, where I'll stop nobody knows- least of all me...
Settling for the wrong one seems completely out of the question at this point.
And tomorrow its back to media darling-hood, and trying to sort through the jungle of donors.
Still not sure whats happening with my Danish donor, he has to see if he can take off work to come over, since I cant make it Denmark. Also, am worried he may be getting too emotionally involved...
Then on top of that I am trying to have some regular dates as well, its not my plan to be single, and if I met someone (who wants a baby or not) all the better (although it would be better if they wanted one, given the current state of things)
Well, must get on...
The song for the day is
'Is Your Love Strong Enough' by Roxy Music
Because its something I ask all the time... of myself, and of others.
*;-)Lulu
Thursday, 5 May 2011
You Set the Scene
I started today completely stressed out because I didnt know if I could sort out going to Denmark next week, and because I was feeling absolutely fed up with people wanting to 'chat' with me endlessly about my story (and their story...?!) and not pay me for it, although they are- getting paid, I mean, for the very same chat! Grrrr... How do they think I pay my bills?
So I realised I just needed to take the power back, and so I just stopped. I took a breath, and then took a few considered actions, emails and calls, and got results. Take power back, do less, but more intentionally, get results, ahhh. Works every time.
Anyway, the upshot is, that I am feeling much better now because the original documentary filmmaker I spoke to, is video interviewing me tomorrow to pitch to 'Cutting Edge'.
And, Denmark just may may come to me, plus there are other potential options there...
And I finally got off the fence and got myself a new iPhone, after fannying about with a crap phone for over a year since my last iPhone. Oooo its the brand new white one that just came out a few days ago, and its really groovy.
So the song for today is by groovy 60s band Love, called 'You Set the Scene' because I remembered today- I set the scene; we all do.
*;-)Lulu
ps still running, Day 3, and past the worst aches, but need new shoes...
So I realised I just needed to take the power back, and so I just stopped. I took a breath, and then took a few considered actions, emails and calls, and got results. Take power back, do less, but more intentionally, get results, ahhh. Works every time.
Anyway, the upshot is, that I am feeling much better now because the original documentary filmmaker I spoke to, is video interviewing me tomorrow to pitch to 'Cutting Edge'.
And, Denmark just may may come to me, plus there are other potential options there...
And I finally got off the fence and got myself a new iPhone, after fannying about with a crap phone for over a year since my last iPhone. Oooo its the brand new white one that just came out a few days ago, and its really groovy.
So the song for today is by groovy 60s band Love, called 'You Set the Scene' because I remembered today- I set the scene; we all do.
*;-)Lulu
ps still running, Day 3, and past the worst aches, but need new shoes...
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Run Baby Run
What a day, hectic, and beautiful.
Amongst other to-ing and fro-ing, I spoke to someone from a production company interested in doing my story; she seems very nice, but I'm not sure whether or not they can meet my deadlines in terms of events though. Things are suddenly moving incredibly fast, just as I thought they would, and for once I dont want the train to delay or slow down- I'm ready to run...
And, I went running today for the first time in at least a year. I have been very afraid to try it again because I have had problems with my heart and lungs from the GB, and the last few times I ran, I had severe chest pain and got incredibly dizzy. This time though, it went really well, with no fall out. I decided against joining the gym for now due to my current 'financial situation'.
And so today's song has to be Sheryl Crowe's Run Baby Run even though it is old and really quite sad, and I'm anything but sad at the moment!:-) It does sum me up in some way- and its pretty much how I got where I am today...
*:-) Lulu
Amongst other to-ing and fro-ing, I spoke to someone from a production company interested in doing my story; she seems very nice, but I'm not sure whether or not they can meet my deadlines in terms of events though. Things are suddenly moving incredibly fast, just as I thought they would, and for once I dont want the train to delay or slow down- I'm ready to run...
And, I went running today for the first time in at least a year. I have been very afraid to try it again because I have had problems with my heart and lungs from the GB, and the last few times I ran, I had severe chest pain and got incredibly dizzy. This time though, it went really well, with no fall out. I decided against joining the gym for now due to my current 'financial situation'.
And so today's song has to be Sheryl Crowe's Run Baby Run even though it is old and really quite sad, and I'm anything but sad at the moment!:-) It does sum me up in some way- and its pretty much how I got where I am today...
*:-) Lulu
Monday, 2 May 2011
What a Difference a Day and Half Makes...
Wow, I was really on a downer when I wrote that last post!! I guess no one can smile all the time but jeez, sorry about that...
Anyway, feeling much better health-wise and starting to feel ready for the weeks ahead. My astrology for this month isnt bad either (quite good, actually) and although I dont take it entirely seriously, I do like to hear things are on the up, even if it is from a relatively silly source!
This week I am going to ramp up my fitness regime. As I said in my last post, yoga and lots of walking up and down hills keps me fit, but in order to have the GH and imune boost that I need, I really need to exercise at 80% peak for some time every day which for me means running. God knows what I'll do when I'm pregnant but for now I'm not so I look forward to the fabulous feeling of being super fit again- lets hope I can get there.
So tomorrow its back to the real world, as Britain finally awakes for its long slumber of two back to back bank holiday weekends. Yay! I cant wait...
And so today's song is:
'Make Me Smile' by Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel, the live version not the watered down one on the Velvet Golmine soundtrack which is (sadly) now a sofa commercial!
*:-)) Lulu
Anyway, feeling much better health-wise and starting to feel ready for the weeks ahead. My astrology for this month isnt bad either (quite good, actually) and although I dont take it entirely seriously, I do like to hear things are on the up, even if it is from a relatively silly source!
This week I am going to ramp up my fitness regime. As I said in my last post, yoga and lots of walking up and down hills keps me fit, but in order to have the GH and imune boost that I need, I really need to exercise at 80% peak for some time every day which for me means running. God knows what I'll do when I'm pregnant but for now I'm not so I look forward to the fabulous feeling of being super fit again- lets hope I can get there.
So tomorrow its back to the real world, as Britain finally awakes for its long slumber of two back to back bank holiday weekends. Yay! I cant wait...
And so today's song is:
'Make Me Smile' by Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel, the live version not the watered down one on the Velvet Golmine soundtrack which is (sadly) now a sofa commercial!
*:-)) Lulu
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Royal Wedding (and PMT)
Well, nothing like a Royal Wedding to remind you how your life is really shit.
Dont get me wrong, it was absolutely gorgeous, they are a lovely couple, so clearly in love with each other, and I absolutely loved it, and I wish them every happiness, I really do, AND it does restore ones faith in true love... however, it does remind one of the short-comings of one's own life, that is for sure.
I had some really weird dreams last night, not that I remember them, and I am now seriously considering ( and not for the first time in a year) dying my hair back to my natural colour, I mean if being brunette is good enough for a princess, it must me good enough for me...
But, no hasty changes will be made, I know how that can be! Act in hair haste, repent in hair leisure. I am sick to the teeth of what bleach does to my hair though.
And all that romance does shed rather another light on the whole sperm donor thing, I mean hardly happily ever after is it? Hmm...of course, I did know that, but it does bring it front and center.
I'm sure all this is a passing mood, and I'll be back to my normal positive (and I might add, non-PMT) self in couple of days- in fact I almost didnt write this post as its so not in keeping, and also because I have really been struggling quite heavily with the Gullain Barre (see earlier post in this blog for more info) over the last 3 or 4 days. Like most auto-immune disorders, it really kicks up when hormones do, so I usually know when to expect it, but the truth is I havent been taking quite as good care of myself this year, and so the symptoms are worse. Anyway, now I am resolutely back on my super health kick (as opposed to my usual health kick) and back to spending mega-bucks on supplements, and will have to rejoin the gym- daily yoga and lots of walking up and down hills not being enough to turn back the ravages of the auto-immune monster. Still, there's comfort in the knowledge of what is needed do to improve things. The first day I started taking more supplements was the day before yesterday, and I have already noticed a difference, so at least I get to see tangible results quickly. The down side is wondering what will happen to the rent by the end of the month...
*SIGH* Not being paid for one's work really is quite crap.
Ok, enough whinging, I'm nauseating myself (or is that the PMT?)
I thought I was in no state to come up with a song for the day, but actually I am, and here it is:
Tumbling Down by The Venus In Furs
Gee, but it's hard
When one lowers one's guard to the vultures
Now, me I regard it
A torturous hardship that smolders
Like a peppermint eaten away
Will I fight? Will I swagger, or sway? ....
*************
Good question...
*;-)Lulu
Dont get me wrong, it was absolutely gorgeous, they are a lovely couple, so clearly in love with each other, and I absolutely loved it, and I wish them every happiness, I really do, AND it does restore ones faith in true love... however, it does remind one of the short-comings of one's own life, that is for sure.
I had some really weird dreams last night, not that I remember them, and I am now seriously considering ( and not for the first time in a year) dying my hair back to my natural colour, I mean if being brunette is good enough for a princess, it must me good enough for me...
But, no hasty changes will be made, I know how that can be! Act in hair haste, repent in hair leisure. I am sick to the teeth of what bleach does to my hair though.
And all that romance does shed rather another light on the whole sperm donor thing, I mean hardly happily ever after is it? Hmm...of course, I did know that, but it does bring it front and center.
I'm sure all this is a passing mood, and I'll be back to my normal positive (and I might add, non-PMT) self in couple of days- in fact I almost didnt write this post as its so not in keeping, and also because I have really been struggling quite heavily with the Gullain Barre (see earlier post in this blog for more info) over the last 3 or 4 days. Like most auto-immune disorders, it really kicks up when hormones do, so I usually know when to expect it, but the truth is I havent been taking quite as good care of myself this year, and so the symptoms are worse. Anyway, now I am resolutely back on my super health kick (as opposed to my usual health kick) and back to spending mega-bucks on supplements, and will have to rejoin the gym- daily yoga and lots of walking up and down hills not being enough to turn back the ravages of the auto-immune monster. Still, there's comfort in the knowledge of what is needed do to improve things. The first day I started taking more supplements was the day before yesterday, and I have already noticed a difference, so at least I get to see tangible results quickly. The down side is wondering what will happen to the rent by the end of the month...
*SIGH* Not being paid for one's work really is quite crap.
Ok, enough whinging, I'm nauseating myself (or is that the PMT?)
I thought I was in no state to come up with a song for the day, but actually I am, and here it is:
Tumbling Down by The Venus In Furs
Gee, but it's hard
When one lowers one's guard to the vultures
Now, me I regard it
A torturous hardship that smolders
Like a peppermint eaten away
Will I fight? Will I swagger, or sway? ....
*************
Good question...
*;-)Lulu
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Yes, The Picture's Changing Every Moment...
And your destination you dont know it... Avalon Roxy Music
Well, some times life takes some interesting turns which do make me wonder how much of a hand fate plays for all of us.
Theres a guy I met internet dating a few years ago, and we chatted a lot online and on the phone a bit, then one and another thing happened and we never did meet, lost touch. Now thanks to facebook we have reconnected, and it turns out hes been going through a valiant life threatening struggle health wise, which makes anything I am going through seem somewhat trivial.
So much can happen in so short a time...
I have my interview for the radio show tomorrow. Very serious show, so I hope I dont seem too flippant.
Its funny but lately my life has become very deep and serious, although I am quite happy- a combination I have never experienced before. I really thought I had experienced most emotions by now, except those of being a biological mother. Its really nice to know theres still something new.
I do so love life for all its twists and turns...
Stay tuned
*:-) Lulu
When you bossa nova theres no holding... Avalon
Well, some times life takes some interesting turns which do make me wonder how much of a hand fate plays for all of us.
Theres a guy I met internet dating a few years ago, and we chatted a lot online and on the phone a bit, then one and another thing happened and we never did meet, lost touch. Now thanks to facebook we have reconnected, and it turns out hes been going through a valiant life threatening struggle health wise, which makes anything I am going through seem somewhat trivial.
So much can happen in so short a time...
I have my interview for the radio show tomorrow. Very serious show, so I hope I dont seem too flippant.
Its funny but lately my life has become very deep and serious, although I am quite happy- a combination I have never experienced before. I really thought I had experienced most emotions by now, except those of being a biological mother. Its really nice to know theres still something new.
I do so love life for all its twists and turns...
Stay tuned
*:-) Lulu
When you bossa nova theres no holding... Avalon
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