Well o well o well.
Another interesting week.
Firstly, I heard from Danish donor with a lovely heart felt apology. Because I was so impressed with what he had to say, and his taking responsibility (and because I am keen to get moving on this), I forgave him and immediately re-started discussing the possibility of him being my donor.
That tanked pretty fast. First he said he couldnt come to London as he had taken all his holiday time burying his father (fair enough) but that I could come to him. I immediately explained that this wasnt possible right now. It then occurred to me to ask him again if he would be willing to inseminate through semen shipping, something we had discussed before, and, get this, no answer. Nothing.
I guess he just isnt serious after all. Next!
However, once I got this idea of the semen shipping into my head, I felt I had my plan, for this month at least.
And then, the married donor I have been charmed by his honesty through our communications since my interview on Radio 4, said he couldnt come to London to meet again, but this time because he and his wife are splitting (!) So that puts him firmly in the frame as donor, but unable to meet just now (no filming again then)...why does everything have to be so complicated? It made me laugh though because he said in his email that he was sure he told me that the marriage was going south. Well, between you and me, he definitely didnt. Guys, women always remember these things! Anyway, I sent him an email asking if he wanted to do the remote donation, but due to his marital probs he's been avoiding his computer and didnt get my email in time.
Anyway, determined not to give up, I trolled through my mental back catalog...the guy from last year's AI, no no no, too irritating. Last year's NI, absolutely not, not ever!
Sooo...who then? Well, I'm not telling you ;-) But, the package is due to be delivered to him from the States in couple of days, and then he will 'do the deed' and send it on to me by super speedy courier. Its all very technical, but he's a trooper, I'll give him that. I'm sure he'll work out the instructions.
Why, you might be wondering, did I decide, after all I've said, to do it this way? Well, I thought it through, why was it so appealing to me? I had a chat with a girlfriend last week about all these donor dramas, and she had said, perhaps then it would be easier for me if I did it the more conventional way, and I thought (and perhaps said) 'yes, but I have to know who the father of my baby is, and know that he will be a good father and want to know his child' Still, the whole meeting and doing AI or NI has been completely freaking me out, so I chose a middle ground. A donor I have gotten to know via email and text, and seen photos of, but not met, nor will I meet before we try this.
Will I be pleased with it, and try again if it doesnt work? I dont know. Am I just so averse to men that this is my right middle ground? You know, I gave this question a lot of thought, but its not the case.
It was super seeing my old friend recently, someone I once dated, really affirming, and I felt so much love in that. Not romantic love, but caring warmth toward him. I have a new Facebook penpal (I might have mentioned him) and I am enjoying our chats which have been going on for about two months, and was dissappointed when we didnt get to meet last Saturday when he was in London.
And, I have a date on Tuesday.
So no, I'm not afraid of or averse to men, but wanting, no, needing (biologically), to get pregnant right away, and also being single and wanting a mate, I dont want how I feel about the situation to make me lose sight of my focus. Whether that situation be sex with a stranger, or virtual stranger (increasingly more eek as I keep unravelling who I am and becoming more emotonally healthy), or AI with a stranger anywhere ( just plain ick). So this seems an interesting compromise. All I can say is, we'll see.
Incidently, my Tuesday date is with someone I dated briefly a few years ago, but it might as well be decades given how much I've changed, so that should be interesting.
In other news, my flat situation has gone from depressing to more depressing, as I just realised yesterday that will have been in this room (too small to really be called a flat) for 5 months this week, and all the other long timers are moving out one by one (two this week, one next). And it feels like there's nothing I can do about this, as I am having trouble paying my rent, so certainly dont have a deposit to rent a new cheaper flat. A vicious cycle and a nightmare.
And my computer client cancelled again! Or I should say, she didnt even bother to cancel this time. This is the fourth time. Any other time and I would tell her to f*** off but I really do need the money, so hopefully on Tuesday she will turn up, otherwise I may fire her anyway.
So its a rainy Sunday and I'm standing on the precipus of the start of another eventful week.
Wish me luck! and I'll let you know how it goes...
*:-) Leila
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