Saturday, 6 October 2012

Back By Popular Demand (or coming soon to a screen near you)

Hey ho, so back to the blog again finally after (apparently more than a year)... could it really be that long? And why did I stop? Because donors and dates didnt like being written about (aww) so I stopped, and they still turned out to be idiots, so I though f**ck it, I'm going back to it when I feel like it, and I do, now.
Well, I'll do the best to fill you in, but the real reason I'm back here is not to relive the past, but to share the new chapter(s). Yes, all, it is almost a brand new me.
So, look forward to hearing about my talking to Spirit Babies, doing EFT, and SACP and MLP, and taking new supplements and herbs, and mostly my brand spanking new (upcoming) pregnancy and this time how it will end with a healthy birth!
I'm moving house in the next week, so it may be a bit til I get back here, but I will be here- actually I never left! *;-)
In the mean time, look for me soon on UK Channel 4 in 'How to Have a Midlfe Crisis' hosted by Sharon Horgan. I don't know if I'll love it or hate it, but it will be me. Including me having a scan right there on telly (unless they cut that scene for being too...)
Btw, the guy in the piece is not my co-parent/donor any longer - how quickly they fall!
So now I'm all shopped up for my new A/W wardrobe 2012-13 (no tight waistlines!) and about to move into a new pad. And, of course, have a who stable of new men in my life.
What can I say? Fun fun fun. Here we go again!

Saturday, 10 September 2011

The Butcher The Baker The Candlestickmaker... Part Two

Its been so soooo long and I've been thinking of posting but things have been extremely changeable and busy, plus with very disruptive neighbours, life has not been conducive to writing, still I knew I should, but of course I didnt.
Nevertheless, here I am now.

Now, if you read my last post, you'll know I had a go with my remote mystery donor. It was really tough because I had all the pregnancy symptoms due to the progesterone pessaries, so the TTW ('two week wait' for all of you who arent up on the latest acronyms) was especially difficult. I tested two times, but in the back of my mind, I was fairly sure from about day 4 or 5 that I wasnt. And I wasnt.
Still, the progesterone had a therapeutic effect, so it wasnt all bad.
The upshot was that this week, I went to meet 'mystery donor' at a Midlands train station, who I hadnt met before the last donation, and the whole experience was deeply dissappointing, and exhausting due to two endless train journeys and long wait in between. Not that I would have been sorry I had gotten pregnant by him if the remote donation had worked, but lets just say I had high expectations for what he was like, and he surely didnt meet those. A very sweet chap, but still... (footnote: why do soooo many men lie about their height??)

Anyway, keen not to waste this ovulation, I flipped back through my memory to come up with someone else, which even led to a momentary madness of reconsidering the donor who I got pregnant with last year (sorry if you havent read any of my blog or anything about me thus far, but you'll have to catch up!Read the early entries of this blog, or Google my name and get the backstory) Luckily it was only a temporary blip which soon passed, and I found myself reconsidering AI guy from last year (ibid on this backstory). After a few moments, a few texts were exchanged, where at first the plan was just for us to meet so I could decide if I could put up with him (found him tres annoying last time) but then, Carpe Diem, I had him come around for another AI go last night. I had told him in my text that he had to just donate and leave, but found myself chatting with him before the donation (you cant chat after he creates the donation, as the guy has to leave immediately, obviously!)and actually enjoying it (now drop it! all you romantics out there, it was just not as annoying a chat, nothing is blossoming... although perhaps with someone else, a non-donor...too early to tell ;-) Anyway, I have absolutely no expectations of success. AI hasnt worked for me before, but I really wasnt prepared to have sex with the guy. Its become clear to me that my feelings on that topic have changed quite a lot. Still, might go for IVF with him. He has mellowed quite a bit, or perhaps was on his best behaviour, but whatever it was, I saw him in a partially new light, and found myself thinking he might actually make a good dad.

Let's see, what else has happened since I last blogged?
Still have been looking to move, but turned down a much larger but ultimately depressing flat from my landlords, and am now entertaining the thought of casting my sites further afield again.
Workwise, things are a bit busier now that summer hols are over, and have made a new contact in Glasgow, who is quite enthusiastic about having my two most major pieces in a big show there in November- very exciting!
Plus, in spite of money troubs, trying to put together some publicity for my businesses, and a new A/W know the usual girl stuff!

That's all for now, and it wasnt so painful!
I will try to post more frequently :-'')
*:-) L

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Date Riot, or 'In Due Course'

I would start with the phrase 'what a week' but thats seems quite repetitive at this point.
Riots in London, very strange. As I mentioned in my previous post, on Tuesday I was supposed to have a date with a guy I dated a couple of times a few years ago. And, can you believe it, we had to cancel because of the riots! I have now had such a few mishaps in this area of my life that I have to be sure the Universe is saving me for someone very special ;-)
Anyway, that afternoon, as I was walking Aslan home, the whole High St was boarding up, and by 7 everything would have been shut down. We are due to reschedule for Friday, but I think he may believe I was just using the riots as an excuse, as his last text said we would speak 'in due course', hmmm....
Cant really blame him though, as I did drop him pretty completely in the past.

In other news, I just booked the shipping for my refrigerated 'man sample' (eek! :-))
The guy who's doing it seems so nice, and one has to wonder what he is getting out of it, after all, not even sex! It does increase my faith that there are some good men out there.

Money situation not getting any better.  Especially as I have to go to the fertility clinic tomorrow and pay a big whack just for a consultation to get a prescription for progesterone pessaries to prevent miscarriage, but must have them and they wont prescribe without my turning up. I looked for one of those online pharmacies that would sell with no perscription, but the cost was so high that it wouldnt make sense over the long run (I have to use them for 16 weeks), plus I always worry that they wouldnt be the real deal. In the words of one of my many male friends, 'grrr'

Business-wise, I had hoped a lead from my landlords would work out, thereby being able to keep up with my rent. It looked rather promising, as its a gallery who sells prints, but only of blue chip Pop artists. And as I sell blue chip Photo Realists, we werent a match, so unfortunately no sale. :-(
Telling you this makes me realise that I have never promoted my site on this blog. So in case any of you are interested, my website is
It has about half the prints I have available on it ( yes, I know, I must add the rest!) plus I sell through Primrose Hill Interiors in the PH High St

Anyway, I'm off to do some errands, whilst knowing that a guy who've I've yet to meet, is doing the business to help my dream come true. I find that completely surreal.

Tomorrow is a big day in many ways, so I tell you how it went... 'in due course'.  Lol

Wish me luck


Sunday, 7 August 2011

The Butcher The Baker or The Candlestick Maker...?

Well o well o well.
Another interesting week.
Firstly, I heard from Danish donor with a lovely heart felt apology. Because I was so impressed with what he had to say, and his taking responsibility (and because I am keen to get moving on this), I forgave him and immediately re-started discussing the possibility of him being my donor.
That tanked pretty fast. First he said he couldnt come to London as he had taken all his holiday time burying his father (fair enough) but that I could come to him. I immediately explained that this wasnt possible right now. It then occurred to me to ask him again if he would be willing to inseminate through semen shipping, something we had discussed before, and, get this, no answer. Nothing.
I guess he just isnt serious after all. Next!
However, once I got this idea of the semen shipping into my head, I felt I had my plan, for this month at least.
And then, the married donor I have been charmed by his honesty through our communications since my interview on Radio 4, said he couldnt come to London to meet again, but this time because he and his wife are splitting (!) So that puts him firmly in the frame as donor, but unable to meet just now (no filming again then)...why does everything have to be so complicated? It made me laugh though because he said in his email that he was sure he told me that the marriage was going south. Well, between you and me, he definitely didnt. Guys, women always remember these things! Anyway, I sent him an email asking if he wanted to do the remote donation, but due to his marital probs he's been avoiding his computer and didnt get my email in time.
Anyway, determined not to give up, I trolled through my mental back catalog...the guy from last year's AI, no no no, too irritating. Last year's NI, absolutely not, not ever!
Sooo...who then? Well, I'm not telling you ;-) But, the package is due to be delivered to him from the States in couple of days, and then he will 'do the deed' and send it on to me by super speedy courier. Its all very technical, but he's a trooper, I'll give him that. I'm sure he'll work out the instructions.

Why, you might be wondering, did I decide, after all I've said, to do it this way? Well, I thought it through, why was it so appealing to me? I had a chat with a girlfriend last week about all these donor dramas, and she had said, perhaps then it would be easier for me if I did it the more conventional way, and I thought (and perhaps said) 'yes, but I have to know who the father of my baby is, and know that he will be a good father and want to know his child' Still, the whole meeting and doing AI or NI has been completely freaking me out, so I chose a middle ground. A donor I have gotten to know via email and text, and seen photos of, but not met, nor will  I meet before we try this.

Will I be pleased with it, and try again if it doesnt work?  I dont know. Am I just so averse to men that this is my right middle ground? You know, I gave this question a lot of thought, but its not the case.
It was super seeing my old friend recently, someone I once dated, really affirming, and I felt so much love in that. Not romantic love, but caring warmth toward him. I have a new Facebook penpal (I might have mentioned him) and I am enjoying our chats which have been going on for about two months, and was dissappointed when we didnt get to meet last Saturday when he was in London.
And, I have a date on Tuesday.
So no, I'm not afraid of or averse to men, but wanting, no, needing (biologically), to get pregnant right away, and also being single and wanting a mate, I dont want how I feel about the situation to make me lose sight of my focus. Whether that situation be sex with a stranger, or virtual stranger (increasingly more eek as I keep unravelling who I am and becoming more emotonally healthy), or AI with a stranger anywhere ( just plain ick). So this seems an interesting compromise. All I can say is, we'll see.
Incidently, my Tuesday date is with someone I dated briefly a few years ago, but it might as well be decades given how much I've changed, so that should be interesting.
In other news, my flat situation has gone from depressing to more depressing, as I just realised yesterday that will have been in this room (too small to really be called a flat) for 5 months this week, and all the other long timers are moving out one by one (two this week, one next). And it feels like there's nothing I can do about this, as I am having trouble paying my rent, so certainly dont have a deposit to rent a new cheaper flat. A vicious cycle and a nightmare.
And my computer client cancelled again! Or I should say, she didnt even bother to cancel this time. This is the fourth time. Any other time and I would tell her to f*** off but I really do need the money, so hopefully on Tuesday she will turn up, otherwise I may fire her anyway.

So its a rainy Sunday and I'm standing on the precipus of the start of another eventful week.

Wish me luck! and I'll let you know how it goes...

*:-) Leila

Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Alarmist, The Fantasist, and The Frenchman

What a week.
First of all, I was supposed to move into another flat of my landlord's and after an entire week of going back and forth about what I would pay, what he would or wouldnt do, and how long I could stay, he vetoed the whole thing. And now to top it off, I am still in the same old place with noisier neighbours than I had before.
Hence my lack of writing as I now spend as much time out as possible, and when I am here, its too noisy to concentrate on writing this. Anyway, theres' been a lot going on this week, the upshot of which blog-wise is that I will have to write about seeing my old friend and y appearnace in today's Telegraph, another time and focus on what you are all here to read- the donor story.
And this week, the donor hijinx have been unending. On Monday a man was due to come on the eurostar from Paris to stay over night in a hotel and discuss the possibility of us co-parenting, but after a chatty start on the internet, he became more demanding and intractable ('I am coming to London on Monday') and then unreachable, not responding to my texts as the day got closer, so I had to cancel. I had visions of someone as difficult as my tyrannical second husband, and who needs that? If I wanted to share parenting with someone like that I would have had kids with my husband. Ok, so technically most of that took place last week, but it had an effect on the start of this week.
Then I another donor was due to come from Devon on a coach (!) and return the same day (!!) on Friday to meet and discuss co-parenting, but I had to veto him as well. He kept writing me these emails which kept saying things like 'take the utmost utmost care of yourself' as if something was going to happen to me, it was really weirding me out. I mean we havent even met yet, what would he be like once I got pregnant?? The upshot was I got food poisoning the night before he was due to come and I had to cancel at 4 a.m.. As I was retching, I kept thinking what a lucky escape I'd had this week, times two. Neither of them, I might add got back to me by email or text or anything, which just shows you what kind of people they are.
But was that it? Noooo. Middle of the week (please forgive the jump in timeline) I got the weirdest email from a guy I had communicated with a few times. He is, get ready for it, a German, with a French name, who lives in Ireland, and not even Dublin, but the outer reaches. He is an actor. I tell myself to keep an open mind, and this is what I get. Anyway, he writes me this email saying how he couldnt look at me on Facebook 'for personal reasons' and that although we now knew each other's real names (although his is a made up French 'real' name) that we should continue to address each other by our screen names as it was more poetic. And, he went on to tell me that, although he had contacted me, he was unable to meet or consider donoring until September. Well, I completely lost it in response. What a load of fairy nonsense! Make that three lucky escapes in one week.
Oh, and on a more minor note, the sort of skivey back back up donor I have had around, responded to my text requesting some proof of who he is and his test results, by saying that he is now newly in a relationship- yeah, right. Ok, make it four.
All of this (except the flat stuff) just proves the concept that there are a lot of weirdos on the internet, and that, by and large, there is usually a reason why a man who wants kids, cant find a woman to be with.
I'm off now to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet before the neighbours get home.
Toodle pip

Friday, 22 July 2011

Life,The Fertility Clinc and Me

Hey ho, again I feel I must apologise for not keeping things up to date. AGAIN.
But, what with my computer being dead as a dodo for a few days (needed a new power cord, again, the second in three months, but that was somewhat of a relief as fairly cheap to sort out), and more nutty neighbors which make it impossible to it peacefully at my desk and write, its been tough, although my mind has been full of ideas. Which has led me to the decision that I must get one of those mini laptops so that I can a) have a back up devise, and b) take it with me and write in pubs, parks cafes etc. The money isnt there, but am beginning to see it as a professional necessity.
Anyway, getting on to what this piece is supposed to be about as per the title, last week I had a very surreal experience. Usually when I set up a scenario like it my mid would be rife with memories and connections and projecting how I was going to feel, but because I have been so distracted by donor stuff, and money stuff, and business stuff (related to money stuff, but not the same) and perhaps because the Sedona Method has allowed me to let go of some of my obsessiveness, it just didnt cross my mind, until I had crossed the threshold. 'Of where?' I hear you asking, hold on, I'm getting to that. I started having an obsessive moment a few weeks ago that I should check out my reproductive health (still obsessive in some ways then) and as such, felt I should do a chlamydia test (bought from Boots for £25, why spend more, esp when I've only had sex about 3 times since my last one) and get a smear test (known as a pap smear in the States), since I hadnt had one in a couple of years. After giving some thought to my GYN options (all private as I do not currently use the NHS) I realised that the two GYNs I'd been to wouldnt do,didnt really like them plus would have to pay for an office visit, so made an appointment at the London Women's Clinic where, not only did ave my last smear done by a female nurse fora reasonable cost, I have had a number of fertility treatments and tests there as well.
It just didnt occur to me how much water had passed under the bridge of my fertility journey since my last visit.
SO now having become the face of known donoring, and having tried both AI and NI through those means, and having been properly pregnant and miscarrying, you could say that quite a bit has gone on in the last couple of years. It made me realise just how much I have change and matured in my relationship to this stuff and how much more in control I feel; because I have taken control, and so it felt quite good. Plus I got my smear done for £50 by a nice female nurse, instead of having some rough handed male doctor do it.
Win win really. My only gripe is that they wont, in some bid for sensitivity, leave the results on my voice mail, which means a constant round of phone tag, but never mind.
That's it really *:-)
So in the next couple of posts, I'' take about new donors found and lost (some intentionally), and meeting up with an old friend.
Until then, the only song thats been going through my head lately is kind of sappy and 90s, its 'Hold On' by those Beach Boy daughters (gakk, but lyrically appropriate *:-))

Sunday, 17 July 2011

'Something is Rotten in the State of Denmark'...*

Hello All.
It has been far too long since I have last posted, but as things go, first there wasnt much going on in my fertility story, and then something so monumentally upsetting happened that I had to take a while to digest it all. So here we are several weeks later with things suddenly picking up speed, and several people asking what was going on having checked here first and found nothing.
First of all, lets put pay to the last chapter of the Danish donor, so that we can move onto other things.
Several weeks ago he was due to come over again, having cancelled on me in the last moment both of the two cycles before; this time he promised he wouldnt let me down, I held out hope. About a week before though he literally ceased any type of communication, and this after emailing back and forth more than once a day for months on end.
Finally after really pressing, he responded that his father had had a heart attack. I responded that although that was a shame he still had made a commitment to me and that to cease communication was not acceptable (I said some other things too; I was quite upset) because at this point it was far too late for me to make other arrangements. After some more back and forth he finally admitted that he had received an email from a Dutch guy on the site that I had exchanged about 3 emails with, and then written off because he was obnoxious and rude. Well, this guy decided he was going to try to get his own back, so looked up the only Danish donor and  must have told him some lies about me, because there would really be nothing else for him to say, as he hadnt even met me, and knew nothing about me. That didnt piss me off so much as that stupid Danish donor believed him, some guy he didnt know, instead of me, who he'd been communicating with for almost a year. Then the cherry on top was that he said he had been on to the consulate website to see about my passport. What an asshole.
Anyway, thats the story, and it would seem I've had a lucky escape, as he proved himself to be a devious Hollyoaks type!
Moving on I have joined a new site and met some new potential donors there, plus I am meeting someone on Thursday who heard me on the radio. He sounds a very nice guy, but is married so I am unsure how that would, or wouldnt, work. Still we have a good communication so I dont want to write off a good potential co-parent, as they have proved very hard to find!
In other news, a couple of weeks ago, someone I met and dated 6 years ago found me on facebook, and we are meeting for coffee tomorrow. It isnt about dating with him, as we only dated briefly and then became friends before losing touch about 5 years ago, but it will be interesting, as I havent met up with anyone from that period in my life since, and there's been soooo much water under the bridge.
I also had a lovely lunch with my Dad the other day. We also had a look around the frankly primarily gag-inducing Wallace Collection- far too much guilt for me. There were however, some gorgeous Van Dyck's. The Laughing Cavalier is amazing. Also some good English and religious paintings.

Thats it for now.
Now that I'm back to writing, I will do my best to keep you up to date on all goings on!
*:-) xxx

*The title is of course a quote from the great man himself, Shakespeare