Wondering still...

Last night and today I was convinced that I was no longer pregnant, but now I think I am- will wait til its definitely 5 weeks to do another test.
In the mean time, the donor has become a pain in the butt and dealing with him is just adding to the litany of issues I have to cope with right now. When I know that I am actually viably pregnant (or not) I can start making plans for the future, but in the mean time I am facing Christmas with a big family with high expectations and bills bills bills left over from my old flat!
But of course, first and foremost, am I really going to have a baby?
Exhausting- by now I was sure I would know...

Yes?!

Wow, I have been pretty zen in this two week wait if I do say so myself.
So today my period was due and since I usually get it in the morning I waited til the afternoon to test.
And I got a faint, but double line...eek!
Well, it is pretty faint so I decided I will buy another test and test again tomorrow. No, I'm not running straight out and buying another one now, amazing myself in the process. I guess the Sedona Method really does work, because I am, so far, pretty solidly feet on the ground.
The next dilemma is how ti deal with the father...
Well, lets double check this result first....

Freedom!

Hi. Well, I know its been a while since I last posted. I've been consumed with moving and finding a place to live. Ended up somewhere temporary (and generally disgusting which is sooo not me), but didnt have a choice, so here I am! Its its own freedom in a way...I can leave if I decide I want to go anywahere else.
But real freedom is that I met a new donor two days ago, and we got on so did N.I. that night and last night too, and I just thought, what could better than having sex with someone, no strings attached, and having a purpose wich both of you are aware of and agree on, no hidden agendas. Its a bit weird, like finding out you can just walk out the window and not come crashing to the ground, but walk deftly across the open air.
Until now, I thought meeting for sex only would be so sleazy, and with some people I'm sure it is, so I've been in long term relationships or abstaining.
There are so many donors on this site; lovely guys, not sleazy and they want to help. I still question their motivations inwardly, but am beginning to realise thats just me. I'm like a kid in a candy store, waiting to find out what the catch is, but thats fading. I think this experience is restoring my faith in humanity.
And SO, hmm, I could be pregnant. BUT I am determined not to torture myself with the am or am I not seesaw this time. It helps that I had fabulous sex twice in the process, so even if it doesnt have the original desired result, it was well worth it! And if not, there's a lovely guy in Copenhagen waiting for me for next month....

Mad Englishmen & Dogs Out in the Sunday Noon

God I hate weekends around here! All the tourists and Sunday dog walkers coming in like they own the place ARGH.
I used to think it was just me, but after having chatted about it, and seen it first hand with neighbors that are usually quite peaceful, I know its a larger problem.
You set out for a leisurely Sunday stroll and then some 'outsider' (I use the term partially tongue in cheek, hence the quotation marks) comes along and spoils it, either by saying something rude or having a rude dog. They have no dog etiquette. But apparently this does not exist only in the doggy populous; I've heard from parents that the 'outsider' children and their parents are equally ill behaved- stealing toys, knocking children down- horrible.
I have been reading quite a bit of Alexander McCall Smith lately (his Edinburgh bits, not the Africa ones) and it does make me wonder if people in Edinburgh are really as better behaved as he says or if he is just speaking through the rose coloured glasses of a true patriot. Perhaps a move to Edinburgh is on the cards... could they really be more morally upright there? If so, weather or not, it would be my dream home, but somehow one rather doubts it. Moral bankruptcy is the norm these days, and I dont know if there is anywhere one can go to escape it.
By the way, this piece was going to be called 'Mission Ab***ed' but even with the asterisks I dont like that word. Anyway, due to continuing health probs I skipped the preg attempt for this month, A is still twisting and turning in the torture of hers and I empathise so deeply. I'm just not sure I can put my health through it again- not this month anyway. I did have my LH which lasted over 24 hours which is quite good, I think.
Still sorting out where to move next, and with D day looming at three weeks to the day, I better sort something soon. Today in effort to clear my head, I baked muffins and cleaned the house, did laundry, all that. That is my usual Sunday ritual but I find its also a good prelude to preparing to pack and move.
Anyway,
Here we go. Where? I dont know

Weebble Wobble

Sorry I havent written in a few days but things have been moving pretty quickly lately and very busy.
I have fully recovered from my depression and am now earnestly planning interview appointments with new prospective donors, but the donor I think would be the best isnt available.
On top of this I saw a flat (not great) which is going to offers today and I cant decide if I'm going to NY shortly or not, in which case I wont need a flat, or, if I could find something better (I think so).
In the mean time all of my friends seem to be going through rough times and need my support, poor things!
Especially A, has been going through the roughest time with her fertility treatments and the conflicting opinions of the various specialists, having been through all of this myself, with both regular and fertility health care I feel for her so completely and am doing my best to be a support, but one feels so helpless ARGH. It makes me (once again) want to retrain in medicine to help people like us.

SO do I choose one of these donors, or hold out for the ideal donor? DO I stay here with my (relatively) happy life for now, or take the risk that things will be better for me in NY? I must stop weebble wobbling ad make some decisions!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel or Just Further Down the Rabbit Hole...?

Well, you can tell by the title of this post that I am definitely NOT pregnant. I started bleeding at 6 this morning. The night before however I had a very scary health 'event' which I have had a number of times before- sharp pain in my chest and not being able to breath. It is suspected pulmoary emboli, although I am yet to have the tests,as they are quite expensive and I am trying to sort the finances.
In the mean time, had a nice walk with A and our dogs, and she told me that the condition I am concerned about having, a clotting disorder which causes embryos not to implant is called thrombophilia. All the money spent and the specialists and test and this has never been mentioned to me?? SHocking.
Anyway, I did my Internet research and now hoping to have the thrombophilia tests next week. The good thing is if I am diagnosed with it, i can be treated and it may treat both my scary health 'event's and my recurrent miscarriage problem...so, is it the  light at the end of the tunnel, or just further down the rabbit hole?
In the mean time, I am become further immersed in the culture of online open donors,a fascinating subculture, similar to internet dating in many ways, the motivations seem as varied as the donors themselves. II have been in touch with a few here, and two in New York, as its looking very likely that I will be returning home soon, at least for a while. The fact that A and her husband (and dog of course!) will be relocating there in the spring takes some of the sting out of it, but I still havent gotten my head around it entirely- I thought I was never going back, and I expect that things I hated about it when I left will be as prevalent as ever, only more so in contrast to London. Still, the hope that I will perhaps have better luck in pregnancy pursuits there does add a ray of hope to the otherwise claustrophobic feelings that the thought of moving back inspires in me, and again I wonder, the light at the end of the tunnel, or just further down the rabbit hole?

Once more into their breeches

A had her embryo transfer on Monday so is now in the beginning of her two week wait, and I have high hopes for her, I really do. I just really wish we could go through pregnancy together, instead me being left behind once again.
As for me, I havent gotten my period yet, but quite sure I'm not preggo. More correctly am sure I was, but had yet another spontaneous abortion (very early miscarriage). Now researching treatments for that and I have joined a new donor site and started corresponding with some promising sounding new donors. I am feeling quite premenstrual and after a couple of days of hormonal (and situational) blues, but getting right back on the horse(s) is the best cure! This time I am definitely switching horses though. The great bonus of my situation is I can try another partner without any obligation to the last...Goodbye boring grumpy smelly donor (and hopefully onto someone better) I suppose this is a form of dating for the second decade f the new millenium...?

Ovulation Goggles

Of course we've all heard of 'beer goggles', but 'ovulation goggles'? I bet I'm not the only woman to have them...and they're how I come to be waiting to find out if I'm pregnant by a man I would never choose as a partner.
Come to think of it, its been the instigator of most, if not all my sexual encounters in recent years.
The thing is, I really really believe I like the guy at the time, but once the window has passed I cant think of a reason to keep contact. Now, with L the plot is thickened by the fact that, I didnt have sex with him, but undertook to get pregnant with him, so was surprised that the same applied, I wasnt sure about him because he was a rather dismal combo of negative,over-straight and not very bright or interesting... but not hideous looking and a fairly gentle soul (if a bit moody), and so I think I rode on that. Anyway, now I am vaguely horrified that I went ahead, but its too late for that now- if the outcome is positive, that is!
Speaking of which, nausea is my constant companion, but its still too early to do the test, and the nausea could be caused by the progresterone I am taking. I am planning to do a home test tomorrow morning, but even thats a bit early, so I could have a false negative.  I am so nervous about doing it, but not sure if I'm more afraid if the the result will be positive or negative...Yikes, there's no going back now!

Am I or Not...?

The two week wait is such a killer. It sounds like a short period of time but every time I've been through this, once I get to the end of week one I am ready to give in and spend £40 on a blood test.
I spend every monet analysing every twinge of nausea (a regular thing for me), tiredness (who isnt?) and on and on...
Computer still on the blink so I'll leave you here for now, and the end of week one...fingers crossed!

Fast Forward to Today

Hey! Well, it has been days since I last posted so thought I better explain...
My laptop died a great death and so am reduced to internet cafe use! :-(
L did his last thingy on Saturday eve (its now Tuesday) and I am steadfastly trying to ignore any symptoms.
He tried to ring me 4 times on Sunday, and I finally had to tell him in no uncertain terms to give me a break, Yikes! I thought he might turn into another psycho, but luckily since I sent him that email he hasnt tried again.He's a bloody sperm donor for God sake, what does he want?? If I'm not preggo, I will definitely go the anonymous route next time, better that way. After all, I didnt get through two marriages a several boyfriends trying to ensnare me in their miserable traps via pregnancy just to end up in this with a stranger!
Anyway, must go, these places are always so yukk!!! *:-)

Upping the Ante

Had another super social and busy day, so not much time to dwell on the madness of my current situation, still I do have a few minutes every day where it all freaks me out.

Upping the ante in ths department, I am having L spend the night here so he can do two donations, one tonight and one in the morning before he goes to work, all feels a bit weird since I dont know him that well, to have him stay in the house but then the whole thing is quite weird anyway! I am cooking dinner for him too, very cosy!

I am just so focussed on getting pregnant that I wont pass up the chance to do the two donations a day thing, which they say is optimal. We might do that again tomorrow night, then its fingers crossed and the waiting begins!

I have such bad cramps I can barely sit down, ugh, hope its all worth it!

2 Down 3 to Go

Feeling a bit weird at the moment. L has just left after completing Day 2 of our little project.
Its all so strange doing this thing with someone I dont know very well. Different than if pregnancy resulted from a drunken one nightstand, which I'm sure bears its own issues. I wouldnt know, having never been there, Thank God, although it could be a blessing depending how strong your beer goggles had been the night before.
But no, my route is entirely chosen. I feel good about it overall, not wavering for a minute in my complete desire for its success. Nevertheless, L has come over twice now and we have a nice cosy chat, and then I leave for walk around the block whilst he...'does the busness'. The I return and he leaves swiftly so that I can do my part. It might be all the less strange if he were some arty anything goes type, but he is quite straight, and more than a bit Catholic, and yet he seems more matter of fact in some ways about it than I am.
And very odd to me is, he doesnt know how much contact he will get with the child if I do get pregnant. I could never do that. At first I distrusted his motives. But then I decided that as he is a basically decent person, and I wanted this, I had to trust him without entirely understanding his motives, which led me to some interesting revelations about myself, and how I trust people so little, so I find myself starting to being more trusting with others as well, and enjoying that. I do think that people who are generally trusting of strangers get on much better in the world.
And now, I'm trying not to get too caught up in the will it work or wont it, there'll be time enough for that when this week is over and there's nothing left to do but wait.
Miraculously Mr Dog has made friends with another dog who's owner is trying to get pregnant this week, although hers is through IVF and she and I having discovered this and so many other things we have in common, including long term illness and many miscarriages, are quite relieved to have someone to share it all with. Because although my route is entirely unconventional and her completely accepted, both are incredibly isolating in their own way. And our dogs seem equally happy to play together like a couple of mad things, or litter-mates, something Mr Dog hasnt done with another dog in a very long time...
But still, I do feel strange, its that strangeness you feel when things start to change rapidly, and life takes on the feeling of a bicycle ride down a steep hill without brakes, good and frightening at the same time.
But, unlike so many times before, this time I wont be putting on the brakes, I'm just going to ride it to the end, trusting that when I get there, the journey will have been worth it.

'L' stands for...

Ok then, decision made.
L is coming here tomorrow to begin the process. It will be the first of four days in a row.
I cant say I am convinced this is the right thing, given how far it is from what I envision, but I somehow feel the time is right to take these steps and see where they lead...
I ordered the supplies and received them last week, so all that remains is to get on with it. If I dont, I'll always wonder what might have been, but if it works, I'm sure I'll feel the same. Some decisions are just like that; no clear answer, just make the move.
It was a lovely day today, warmer than it has been recently, and I spent most of it chatting with friends whom I happened to bump into which, would have been perfect if I hadnt had to deal with the landlord wondering where the late rent was. I shall miss my friends if I decide to leave, but I'm not seeing much choice in the matter as it stands now.
So tomorrow might be the first day of the rest of my life, or someone else's actually...

The Father of Modern England circa 2010

Today I met my second potential direct donor. This is part of the next step in a long procession of steps in my trying to get pregnant through alternative means, the traditional means not having presented themselves recently.
I was a bit nervous about the meeting as I am with any new person, there is some similarity to an internet date, of which I have endless experience but this is much more surreal.
I was slightly prepared having met the first of this new breed of donor, 'L' 3 times so far, in effort to decide if I could actually share parenting with someone I dont know.
Today's donor S, or the Father of Modern Britain as I call him, was a bit different though, because he is married (albeit in an unconventional way), and although he meets his success stories by mutual agreement, he is not interested in parenting them as such.
SO despite it being Sunday, I got up at 7:45 in order to do my yoga and walk Mr. Dog before meeting him.
I had a bit of a time deciding what to wear, after all, no one has set parameters for what to where to your first meeting with the potential sperm donor/biological father for your children...definitely not too sexy but you want to look good.
And I worried as I always do, whether its an internet date, or this brave new frontier, as to how disappointed I was going to be when he would likely turn out to be not very cultured attractive bright etc...lower your expectations in advance, I've learned the hard way.
When I walked Mr. Dog around Primrose Hill, I mused that depending how many success he has had, in 500 years, Time Team would be unearthing  skeletons and through DNA testing discover that hundreds f people were descended of this one man...
I chose a black turtleneck, grey jeans tucked into high leather boots and set off without breakfast ( too rushed) and with perfume (some things are necessary for a girl's self -esteem even when one isnt on the pull, plus you never know Mr. Right could be there just waiting to save me from all this...ok, back in the real world) into the unseasonably cold grey London day, wishing I was at home making muffins and dancing around the kitchen as is my usual Sunday ritual.
Arriving at the deliberately chosen anonymous cafe, I was not the least bit surprised to see an old-for-his-age very ordinary chap standing there- but not before I saw the ancient balding hippy in front if him who gave me a momentary fright, so it was with some relief I introduced myself.
We went inside, ordered our coffees, chose our seats, and began to have our surreal chat- much to the amusement of an arty (and rather dishy) guy sitting along the wall listening to us, barely hiding his mirth and taking notes (no doubt another point of view on this very encounter is being blogged elsewhere on this site as I speak). I briefly consider going over and asking if he was interested in becoming a donor himself while S was in the loo...
S did not disappoint, for the curiosity quotient, at least- I kid you not- he is a professional sperm donor! And has been for 10 years with no intention of stopping. He told me how he 'works' sometimes numerous times a week, sometimes a couple of times a day. He was open and positive, but he did look somewhat haggard, and I couldnt help thinking that it was somewhat of the same effect that working in the sex industry has on people; all that 'releasing' is losing just too much Chi as the Chinese would say.
It was fascinated to hear his story, and he is single-handedly (if you'll excuse the pun) and in a not so small way, changing the face of this country's population, I couldnt help feeling I was meeting someone who, without realizing it, was changing things in a very real and permanent way.
He was very sweet in such a genuine unaffected way- something I see so little of in the jaded world I live in, and couldnt be a bad thing to add to the genetic pot.
And, he has a vision of his numerous offspring being a network of support for each other, offering connections of a personal and business nature which I must admit is truly visionary...
But, could I make this man the father of my children? I dont think so...he wouldnt be anyone's idea of the ideal, in the Orwell-ian Utopian sense of the word...and I come from a world of very high standards.
Still, it was fascinating to meet the Father of Modern Britain circa 2010
Yet, as far as my own quest goes, 'still looking' would be the best way to describe it...
Why does the simplest thing in the world have to be sooo difficult?!