The Butcher The Baker The Candlestickmaker... Part Two

Its been so soooo long and I've been thinking of posting but things have been extremely changeable and busy, plus with very disruptive neighbours, life has not been conducive to writing, still I knew I should, but of course I didnt.
Nevertheless, here I am now.

Now, if you read my last post, you'll know I had a go with my remote mystery donor. It was really tough because I had all the pregnancy symptoms due to the progesterone pessaries, so the TTW ('two week wait' for all of you who arent up on the latest acronyms) was especially difficult. I tested two times, but in the back of my mind, I was fairly sure from about day 4 or 5 that I wasnt. And I wasnt.
Still, the progesterone had a therapeutic effect, so it wasnt all bad.
The upshot was that this week, I went to meet 'mystery donor' at a Midlands train station, who I hadnt met before the last donation, and the whole experience was deeply dissappointing, and exhausting due to two endless train journeys and long wait in between. Not that I would have been sorry I had gotten pregnant by him if the remote donation had worked, but lets just say I had high expectations for what he was like, and he surely didnt meet those. A very sweet chap, but still... (footnote: why do soooo many men lie about their height??)

Anyway, keen not to waste this ovulation, I flipped back through my memory to come up with someone else, which even led to a momentary madness of reconsidering the donor who I got pregnant with last year (sorry if you havent read any of my blog or anything about me thus far, but you'll have to catch up!Read the early entries of this blog, or Google my name and get the backstory) Luckily it was only a temporary blip which soon passed, and I found myself reconsidering AI guy from last year (ibid on this backstory). After a few moments, a few texts were exchanged, where at first the plan was just for us to meet so I could decide if I could put up with him (found him tres annoying last time) but then, Carpe Diem, I had him come around for another AI go last night. I had told him in my text that he had to just donate and leave, but found myself chatting with him before the donation (you cant chat after he creates the donation, as the guy has to leave immediately, obviously!)and actually enjoying it (now drop it! all you romantics out there, it was just not as annoying a chat, nothing is blossoming... although perhaps with someone else, a non-donor...too early to tell ;-) Anyway, I have absolutely no expectations of success. AI hasnt worked for me before, but I really wasnt prepared to have sex with the guy. Its become clear to me that my feelings on that topic have changed quite a lot. Still, might go for IVF with him. He has mellowed quite a bit, or perhaps was on his best behaviour, but whatever it was, I saw him in a partially new light, and found myself thinking he might actually make a good dad.

Let's see, what else has happened since I last blogged?
Still have been looking to move, but turned down a much larger but ultimately depressing flat from my landlords, and am now entertaining the thought of casting my sites further afield again.
Workwise, things are a bit busier now that summer hols are over, and have made a new contact in Glasgow, who is quite enthusiastic about having my two most major pieces in a big show there in November- very exciting!
Plus, in spite of money troubs, trying to put together some publicity for my businesses, and a new A/W wardrobe...you know the usual girl stuff!

That's all for now, and it wasnt so painful!
I will try to post more frequently :-'')
Hugs
*:-) L

Date Riot, or 'In Due Course'

I would start with the phrase 'what a week' but thats seems quite repetitive at this point.
Still...
Riots in London, very strange. As I mentioned in my previous post, on Tuesday I was supposed to have a date with a guy I dated a couple of times a few years ago. And, can you believe it, we had to cancel because of the riots! I have now had such a few mishaps in this area of my life that I have to be sure the Universe is saving me for someone very special ;-)
Anyway, that afternoon, as I was walking Aslan home, the whole High St was boarding up, and by 7 everything would have been shut down. We are due to reschedule for Friday, but I think he may believe I was just using the riots as an excuse, as his last text said we would speak 'in due course', hmmm....
Cant really blame him though, as I did drop him pretty completely in the past.

In other news, I just booked the shipping for my refrigerated 'man sample' (eek! :-))
The guy who's doing it seems so nice, and one has to wonder what he is getting out of it, after all, not even sex! It does increase my faith that there are some good men out there.

Money situation not getting any better.  Especially as I have to go to the fertility clinic tomorrow and pay a big whack just for a consultation to get a prescription for progesterone pessaries to prevent miscarriage, but must have them and they wont prescribe without my turning up. I looked for one of those online pharmacies that would sell with no perscription, but the cost was so high that it wouldnt make sense over the long run (I have to use them for 16 weeks), plus I always worry that they wouldnt be the real deal. In the words of one of my many male friends, 'grrr'

Business-wise, I had hoped a lead from my landlords would work out, thereby being able to keep up with my rent. It looked rather promising, as its a gallery who sells prints, but only of blue chip Pop artists. And as I sell blue chip Photo Realists, we werent a match, so unfortunately no sale. :-(
Telling you this makes me realise that I have never promoted my site on this blog. So in case any of you are interested, my website is www.studiolulufinearts.com
It has about half the prints I have available on it ( yes, I know, I must add the rest!) plus I sell through Primrose Hill Interiors in the PH High St

Anyway, I'm off to do some errands, whilst knowing that a guy who've I've yet to meet, is doing the business to help my dream come true. I find that completely surreal.

Tomorrow is a big day in many ways, so I tell you how it went... 'in due course'.  Lol

Wish me luck

*:-)

The Butcher The Baker or The Candlestick Maker...?

Well o well o well.
Another interesting week.
Firstly, I heard from Danish donor with a lovely heart felt apology. Because I was so impressed with what he had to say, and his taking responsibility (and because I am keen to get moving on this), I forgave him and immediately re-started discussing the possibility of him being my donor.
That tanked pretty fast. First he said he couldnt come to London as he had taken all his holiday time burying his father (fair enough) but that I could come to him. I immediately explained that this wasnt possible right now. It then occurred to me to ask him again if he would be willing to inseminate through semen shipping, something we had discussed before, and, get this, no answer. Nothing.
I guess he just isnt serious after all. Next!
However, once I got this idea of the semen shipping into my head, I felt I had my plan, for this month at least.
And then, the married donor I have been charmed by his honesty through our communications since my interview on Radio 4, said he couldnt come to London to meet again, but this time because he and his wife are splitting (!) So that puts him firmly in the frame as donor, but unable to meet just now (no filming again then)...why does everything have to be so complicated? It made me laugh though because he said in his email that he was sure he told me that the marriage was going south. Well, between you and me, he definitely didnt. Guys, women always remember these things! Anyway, I sent him an email asking if he wanted to do the remote donation, but due to his marital probs he's been avoiding his computer and didnt get my email in time.
Anyway, determined not to give up, I trolled through my mental back catalog...the guy from last year's AI, no no no, too irritating. Last year's NI, absolutely not, not ever!
Sooo...who then? Well, I'm not telling you ;-) But, the package is due to be delivered to him from the States in couple of days, and then he will 'do the deed' and send it on to me by super speedy courier. Its all very technical, but he's a trooper, I'll give him that. I'm sure he'll work out the instructions.

Why, you might be wondering, did I decide, after all I've said, to do it this way? Well, I thought it through, why was it so appealing to me? I had a chat with a girlfriend last week about all these donor dramas, and she had said, perhaps then it would be easier for me if I did it the more conventional way, and I thought (and perhaps said) 'yes, but I have to know who the father of my baby is, and know that he will be a good father and want to know his child' Still, the whole meeting and doing AI or NI has been completely freaking me out, so I chose a middle ground. A donor I have gotten to know via email and text, and seen photos of, but not met, nor will  I meet before we try this.

Will I be pleased with it, and try again if it doesnt work?  I dont know. Am I just so averse to men that this is my right middle ground? You know, I gave this question a lot of thought, but its not the case.
It was super seeing my old friend recently, someone I once dated, really affirming, and I felt so much love in that. Not romantic love, but caring warmth toward him. I have a new Facebook penpal (I might have mentioned him) and I am enjoying our chats which have been going on for about two months, and was dissappointed when we didnt get to meet last Saturday when he was in London.
And, I have a date on Tuesday.
So no, I'm not afraid of or averse to men, but wanting, no, needing (biologically), to get pregnant right away, and also being single and wanting a mate, I dont want how I feel about the situation to make me lose sight of my focus. Whether that situation be sex with a stranger, or virtual stranger (increasingly more eek as I keep unravelling who I am and becoming more emotonally healthy), or AI with a stranger anywhere ( just plain ick). So this seems an interesting compromise. All I can say is, we'll see.
Incidently, my Tuesday date is with someone I dated briefly a few years ago, but it might as well be decades given how much I've changed, so that should be interesting.
In other news, my flat situation has gone from depressing to more depressing, as I just realised yesterday that will have been in this room (too small to really be called a flat) for 5 months this week, and all the other long timers are moving out one by one (two this week, one next). And it feels like there's nothing I can do about this, as I am having trouble paying my rent, so certainly dont have a deposit to rent a new cheaper flat. A vicious cycle and a nightmare.
And my computer client cancelled again! Or I should say, she didnt even bother to cancel this time. This is the fourth time. Any other time and I would tell her to f*** off but I really do need the money, so hopefully on Tuesday she will turn up, otherwise I may fire her anyway.

So its a rainy Sunday and I'm standing on the precipus of the start of another eventful week.

Wish me luck! and I'll let you know how it goes...

*:-) Leila

The Alarmist, The Fantasist, and The Frenchman

What a week.
First of all, I was supposed to move into another flat of my landlord's and after an entire week of going back and forth about what I would pay, what he would or wouldnt do, and how long I could stay, he vetoed the whole thing. And now to top it off, I am still in the same old place with noisier neighbours than I had before.
Hence my lack of writing as I now spend as much time out as possible, and when I am here, its too noisy to concentrate on writing this. Anyway, theres' been a lot going on this week, the upshot of which blog-wise is that I will have to write about seeing my old friend and y appearnace in today's Telegraph, another time and focus on what you are all here to read- the donor story.
And this week, the donor hijinx have been unending. On Monday a man was due to come on the eurostar from Paris to stay over night in a hotel and discuss the possibility of us co-parenting, but after a chatty start on the internet, he became more demanding and intractable ('I am coming to London on Monday') and then unreachable, not responding to my texts as the day got closer, so I had to cancel. I had visions of someone as difficult as my tyrannical second husband, and who needs that? If I wanted to share parenting with someone like that I would have had kids with my husband. Ok, so technically most of that took place last week, but it had an effect on the start of this week.
Then I another donor was due to come from Devon on a coach (!) and return the same day (!!) on Friday to meet and discuss co-parenting, but I had to veto him as well. He kept writing me these emails which kept saying things like 'take the utmost utmost care of yourself' as if something was going to happen to me, it was really weirding me out. I mean we havent even met yet, what would he be like once I got pregnant?? The upshot was I got food poisoning the night before he was due to come and I had to cancel at 4 a.m.. As I was retching, I kept thinking what a lucky escape I'd had this week, times two. Neither of them, I might add got back to me by email or text or anything, which just shows you what kind of people they are.
But was that it? Noooo. Middle of the week (please forgive the jump in timeline) I got the weirdest email from a guy I had communicated with a few times. He is, get ready for it, a German, with a French name, who lives in Ireland, and not even Dublin, but the outer reaches. He is an actor. I tell myself to keep an open mind, and this is what I get. Anyway, he writes me this email saying how he couldnt look at me on Facebook 'for personal reasons' and that although we now knew each other's real names (although his is a made up French 'real' name) that we should continue to address each other by our screen names as it was more poetic. And, he went on to tell me that, although he had contacted me, he was unable to meet or consider donoring until September. Well, I completely lost it in response. What a load of fairy nonsense! Make that three lucky escapes in one week.
Oh, and on a more minor note, the sort of skivey back back up donor I have had around, responded to my text requesting some proof of who he is and his test results, by saying that he is now newly in a relationship- yeah, right. Ok, make it four.
All of this (except the flat stuff) just proves the concept that there are a lot of weirdos on the internet, and that, by and large, there is usually a reason why a man who wants kids, cant find a woman to be with.
I'm off now to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet before the neighbours get home.
Toodle pip
*:-)

Life,The Fertility Clinc and Me

Hey ho, again I feel I must apologise for not keeping things up to date. AGAIN.
But, what with my computer being dead as a dodo for a few days (needed a new power cord, again, the second in three months, but that was somewhat of a relief as fairly cheap to sort out), and more nutty neighbors which make it impossible to it peacefully at my desk and write, its been tough, although my mind has been full of ideas. Which has led me to the decision that I must get one of those mini laptops so that I can a) have a back up devise, and b) take it with me and write in pubs, parks cafes etc. The money isnt there, but am beginning to see it as a professional necessity.
Anyway, getting on to what this piece is supposed to be about as per the title, last week I had a very surreal experience. Usually when I set up a scenario like it my mid would be rife with memories and connections and projecting how I was going to feel, but because I have been so distracted by donor stuff, and money stuff, and business stuff (related to money stuff, but not the same) and perhaps because the Sedona Method has allowed me to let go of some of my obsessiveness, it just didnt cross my mind, until I had crossed the threshold. 'Of where?' I hear you asking, hold on, I'm getting to that. I started having an obsessive moment a few weeks ago that I should check out my reproductive health (still obsessive in some ways then) and as such, felt I should do a chlamydia test (bought from Boots for £25, why spend more, esp when I've only had sex about 3 times since my last one) and get a smear test (known as a pap smear in the States), since I hadnt had one in a couple of years. After giving some thought to my GYN options (all private as I do not currently use the NHS) I realised that the two GYNs I'd been to wouldnt do,didnt really like them plus would have to pay for an office visit, so made an appointment at the London Women's Clinic where, not only did ave my last smear done by a female nurse fora reasonable cost, I have had a number of fertility treatments and tests there as well.
It just didnt occur to me how much water had passed under the bridge of my fertility journey since my last visit.
SO now having become the face of known donoring, and having tried both AI and NI through those means, and having been properly pregnant and miscarrying, you could say that quite a bit has gone on in the last couple of years. It made me realise just how much I have change and matured in my relationship to this stuff and how much more in control I feel; because I have taken control, and so it felt quite good. Plus I got my smear done for £50 by a nice female nurse, instead of having some rough handed male doctor do it.
Win win really. My only gripe is that they wont, in some bid for sensitivity, leave the results on my voice mail, which means a constant round of phone tag, but never mind.
That's it really *:-)
So in the next couple of posts, I'' take about new donors found and lost (some intentionally), and meeting up with an old friend.
Until then, the only song thats been going through my head lately is kind of sappy and 90s, its 'Hold On' by those Beach Boy daughters (gakk, but lyrically appropriate *:-))

'Something is Rotten in the State of Denmark'...*

Hello All.
It has been far too long since I have last posted, but as things go, first there wasnt much going on in my fertility story, and then something so monumentally upsetting happened that I had to take a while to digest it all. So here we are several weeks later with things suddenly picking up speed, and several people asking what was going on having checked here first and found nothing.
First of all, lets put pay to the last chapter of the Danish donor, so that we can move onto other things.
Several weeks ago he was due to come over again, having cancelled on me in the last moment both of the two cycles before; this time he promised he wouldnt let me down, I held out hope. About a week before though he literally ceased any type of communication, and this after emailing back and forth more than once a day for months on end.
Finally after really pressing, he responded that his father had had a heart attack. I responded that although that was a shame he still had made a commitment to me and that to cease communication was not acceptable (I said some other things too; I was quite upset) because at this point it was far too late for me to make other arrangements. After some more back and forth he finally admitted that he had received an email from a Dutch guy on the site that I had exchanged about 3 emails with, and then written off because he was obnoxious and rude. Well, this guy decided he was going to try to get his own back, so looked up the only Danish donor and  must have told him some lies about me, because there would really be nothing else for him to say, as he hadnt even met me, and knew nothing about me. That didnt piss me off so much as that stupid Danish donor believed him, some guy he didnt know, instead of me, who he'd been communicating with for almost a year. Then the cherry on top was that he said he had been on to the consulate website to see about my passport. What an asshole.
Anyway, thats the story, and it would seem I've had a lucky escape, as he proved himself to be a devious Hollyoaks type!
Moving on I have joined a new site and met some new potential donors there, plus I am meeting someone on Thursday who heard me on the radio. He sounds a very nice guy, but is married so I am unsure how that would, or wouldnt, work. Still we have a good communication so I dont want to write off a good potential co-parent, as they have proved very hard to find!
In other news, a couple of weeks ago, someone I met and dated 6 years ago found me on facebook, and we are meeting for coffee tomorrow. It isnt about dating with him, as we only dated briefly and then became friends before losing touch about 5 years ago, but it will be interesting, as I havent met up with anyone from that period in my life since, and there's been soooo much water under the bridge.
I also had a lovely lunch with my Dad the other day. We also had a look around the frankly primarily gag-inducing Wallace Collection- far too much guilt for me. There were however, some gorgeous Van Dyck's. The Laughing Cavalier is amazing. Also some good English and religious paintings.

Thats it for now.
Now that I'm back to writing, I will do my best to keep you up to date on all goings on!
*:-) xxx

*The title is of course a quote from the great man himself, Shakespeare

All My Eggs in One Basket, Still

It has been a very very long time since I've posted.
I just couldnt find enough to say when not much was going on with my 'fertility journey', I put that in quotes as I realise it sounds a bit pretentious, but its the way its being described by the media so it'll have to do.
I think I may have written about this already but, last Monday I was interviewed again by the first journalist who interviewed me, the one before the Times writer. Anyway, now she's doing a piece for the Sunday Telegraph and although this wont be solely about me, it is a feature in the Sunday magazine so its a good thing, I think. She was fun to talk to and has a story of her own so it wasnt quite so tiring as other interviews but still quite draining- there's something exhausting about talking about oneself. I'm sort of surprised I havent heard from her after the interview though...Anyway, the photo shoot is on Friday, and I think I'm going to get my hair cut but not my highlights re-done beforehand, who has time?
In other news, Danish donor swears he's going to make it this time, which good because I still dont have my new passport. I was contacted by a new donor within the last week, he is Dutch, and here in London (a big bonus) and with the right physical characteristics. He sounded promising at first, but his emails began to annoy me, as it became clear he was completely egocentric and had serious trust issues, so he is disqualified as a back-up. It was so bad in the end that I didnt even bother to meet him. So all my eggs are still in one basket *sigh* Fingers crossed
Between that and the photo shoot, and a few other things, such as the revolving door of next door neighbors, and money, and a few people I thought were good friends disappearing on me, I am quite stressed -ARGH- I relax for a few minutes and then one of these situations pops into my head and a I get another headache, or stomach ache, or my shoulders stiffen til they hit my ears> Sedona Method must be the answer.
I'm sure I should close with a song, but I cant think of one at the moment (again) so I'll just say
Nightie night
*:-/ Lulu

The Lost Weekend

Hmm, well pretty much of a washout in all respects. I cancelled my dates, I just didnt feel like going. One guy was a sport, the other nasty- I always see a reaction like that as an excellent sign of someone avoided, so no losses there.
It was so hot yesterday that I just collapsed in the evening and slept better than I have in weeks, then it rained  today.
So no big things going on fertility-wise at the moment...another egg (or two?) wasted. This evening just watching telly- Countryfile and One Born Every Minute, lots of fertility there!
I suppose if there was going to be a song of the day it would have to be 'Another One Bites the Dust' by Queen...
At least I havent lost my sense of humour!
*:-)

Fantastic swimmers, but far far away

I've just gotten an email from my Dane. He took it upon himself to do a sperm motility test (I guess he must be a bit bored stuck at home with a broken ankle :-) Anyway, he sent me the results and they seem VERY good; too bad they arent strong enough to swim on over here!
As it is I am having a weekend nothing like I had planned, no donors. The two I'd like are unable to make it, and the rest have been disqualified for being prats.
So...I have a couple of dates (yawn) with people that dont really interest me, at least not in that way, but I'm not going to sit around on my own all weekend when people are asking me out for a drink and a chat-well they might have more in mind, but not going to happen.
The last few days have been sooo hot and my week was quite hectic with other work, so plan to just chill out, literally, this weekend.
Still not much happening on the fertility front except that I've just found out that I'll be in the Sunday Telegraph. No donor dates to film though. But strangely, I dont feel any angst about all of this, I'm totally ok with it. When the time is right, it will happen. All day I've been seeing people totally wound up and just felt fine. Thank you, Sedona Method  http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky

 

Hmmm, a song for the day... cant think of the right one, oh well, never mind*:-)

Night night

Are You In Are You Out

...This is a line from the Joan Armatrading song 'Join the Boys' its about something totally other than my situation but the words are quite apt...
Are you for or against us
We are trying to get somewhere
Looking around for a helping hand
We're doing our best to keep it steady
But it's falling down around us
Blows keep coming fast and strong
I done found another fellow
He agrees with my direction
Arms around each others shoulders we go everywhere
Are you in, are you out
We'll succeed where others failed
Stay together many years
And watch us take the world by storm
Are you in, are you out...

I am scrambling to find a back up donor as my Dane had a mountain biking accident and cant come over, and cant go there because I havent got my new passport yet, but I told you that yesterday didnt I?

I cant remember because I am soo busy.

We tried to sort his shipping the semen but the only company that seems to sell the shipping containers is in the States (why not Denmark, the home of all donors?) and it all got to late to sort out, and as for the rest (3 -5 people) I am trying to figure out what to do. One option is my AI donor from last year who is now 'open minded' ha, I'd believe that when I see it! Besides he smelled like a dank basement and I dont know if he's sorted that out yet, and how can one ask? 'Hey, long time no speaky, do you still pong?'
I also have the poss of 2 real dates (yawn)
I am soo tired I have been going since early morning, its midnight and I'm still multitasking as I write this. Still, I am happy to have all these things going on, so no complaints really! *:-)
Night night

Long Time Gone...

Ok, so its been a long time since I wrote anything here...a really long time.
Not much has been happening outwardly on the fertility front, just releasing my inner stuff (see past posts about the Sedona Method) and getting on with other aspects of my life.
I was fully expecting my donor to be coming over this weekend with hope that someone else might come through as a second, but my Danish donor had a mountain biking accident and and the other person has dropped out, leaving me and Danish donor scrambling to see if we can get his sperm shipped here in time but its looking iffy, since it seems that the only company that sells the special mailers is in the States. This is driving me nuts!
I am waiting for my replacement passport to come through and it wont come til after the weekend and I just DO NOT want to wait until next month. Argh!!
SO someone up there, if you are reading this, work your magic (or come on Mr. M)!
*:-)

Dont Stop the Dance

SO I did the radio interview on Saturday, and it was a wonderful experience.

From the strength of that interview, and the response, which was one of the highest they've received on the show, I have now been invited onto the Jeremy Vine show, which is a bigger show on radio 2, and he also presents on tv, but that might be a bit rough, so not sure if I'll do it. I'm speaking to the producer tomorrow and we'll see...

The people from Saturday Live were absolutely lovely, as were many of the listeners, and I had a wonderful time. Although, I had to dash straight to filming for the documentary for six hours, so by the end of the day, was completely tired of talking!

Part of the filming turned out to be an impromptu interview by a neighbor who I'd never met before. She asked what we were filming while we were on the way to meet a potential donor, she asked some great questions, which was a surprise but really fun. The donor was awful and wooden and wore dark glasses the whole time, and kept furtively looking around; it was really weird.

Anyway, this week is fairly quiet as the filmmaker is away and no major meetings with anyone.

Now, I must address something: I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet about people who keep going on about my having kids on my own...its simply a choice over not having them at all.

When someone says they are going to climb Everest or run a marathon, do people say, 'but do you have any idea how difficult that will be?' Probably, but it doesnt stop them does it? I have a friend who is on the Olympic rowing team, and last year he was diagnosed with a tennis ball sized tumor in his cervical spine (thats the neck), he became paralysed, but after the surgery, went from relearning to walk, to being back on the team and rowing 100k a week in 7 months. I'm sure people at least thought, even if they didnt tell him, that he was deluded to even think about making a comeback, but as he has always been a top amateur athlete and was born with club foot, and had 12 surgeries to correct it when he was small, I dont think he would have listened if they had. He started by getting a black belt in martial arts, and went on to being on the ski team, and then the bobsledge team, then the rowing team. Now that's insurmountable odds. I'm not doing anything so extraordinary, its just that I am making it public, so people are paying attention.
I am much tougher, more together and more organised than I have ever been, and definitely feel much more able to cope than I ever would have. Plus I have a huge amount of support. And I would also say, that people cope with harder things. Wanting something so absolutely makes it easier, because when things get rough, one can always look back and realise that the goal has finally been reached; the joy of that will carry me through. Also, depending on who the donor ends up being, they will be involved and supportive, and that is the kind of donor I am looking for. So everyone stop worrying so much! I love you and I appreciate that you care, but just stop worrying! There. Thats my soapbox done for the day!

So here I am, having started my journey, and firmly on my way, but not anywhere near the end...so the song for the day is as this post is titled, by Roxy Music

Night night
*:-) Lulu

The Italian Job

Well, things certainly have been weird lately with potential donors swinging in and out of the trees at such a rate that I'm getting dizzy.
Yesterday I received about 50 emails (no exaggeration) from an Italian potential donor, hence the title although I was thinking of 'A Gentleman from Verona' because he is, from Verona that is, but certainly no gentleman.
Anyway, he was thinking of coming over from Italy today so that we could 'make a beautiful baby boy together' but that feel apart a bit when I demanded STD test papers, and he demanded a photo of me in a bikini- clearly we are not on the same page with what donoring is about...
Also, my lovely Danish donor couldnt come over on Tuesday because he couldnt get even few hours off work, so no donors for now.
Today, I was supposed to speak to the person to set the questions for the radio show on Saturday but was bumped by a 'biopolar' Adam Ant who she was interviewing, so the day was a bit frustrating, since I had been offered work this afternoon helping someone set up her computer. Still, I wasnt feeling all that well, due to the disappointment about things getting so muddled and yet still frantic this week, so I probably wouldnt have been at my best to help her anyway.
Anyway, I started feeling better by supper time, as I had spent much of the day doing the Sedona Method, which is a complete godsend! Alters the darkest mood every time.
 http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky
I had made a nice pot roast yesterday for tonight (was I being psychic chef?), and I had a nice chat with someone else from my past this eve, so all in all, my mood has definitely improved.
And at ths moment, the gentleman from Verona is now emailing me again and still wants to be my donor, and is agreeing to be filmed (from the back).
It is hard to find donors who want to take part, one even told me I shouldnt publicise it! How dare he, how are others going to find out its an option, if that dont hear about it, honestly...and I dont tell him what to do. I have another who's agreed, and another who might (and of course lovely Danish donor has been ok with it all along :-)
Thats it for now, I am knackered again, and my boobs are huge! And I just felt my egg go - yes I have just ovulated as I blog.So I must lie down. And its weird to feel it, I dont think I used to... And its so weird how ovulation mimics pregnancy.
Song for the day, lets see....
'Slave to Love' by Roxy Music
Why? Because this whole thing is embodied in the lyrics, a song about romantic love, could it be? Yes, this is all about love. The desire to have a child is a kind of love of its own. That doesnt change when you are trying to make a baby with a donor, the donors express it that way too, which is so lovely. And thats why I'm doing all this. You dont get that at a clinic, only a feeling of weird isolation.

Is Your Love Strong Enough

Well, its Sunday evening.
Friday I spent five hours being interviewed and filmed for the documentary, then had to hurry to walk the dog and change to rush off to my Dad's birthday dinner. I wasnt sure what I was going to wear, so it was quite a good piece of luck that a dress I had ordered on the internet showed up about 15 minutes after the filmmaker left. Fit perfectly, looked great, went with jacket shoes and bag I had; put my hair up, touched up my make up, and caught the tube. I was only 5 minutes late. It was lovely. Lovely place, lovely food, everyone got along.
Then yesterday I took Aslan to the park in the late morning only to end up having lunch with my Dad and stepMum and my brother who lives in New York. That only got hairy toward the end as my brother grilled me a bit about what I'm up to, but by his standard it was a gentle grilling, and since I now spend so much time discussing and being supported in what I'm doing, I held my own. Anyway, it was the morning walk that didnt end until 2 pm. This morning's walk ended up pretty much the same time-wise, but two work things came out of it, one big, one small. Thank God for dogs, dog walks, dog life. However, between all that and the new running regime, I am knackered!

And donors. Ah, donors donors everywhere, as far as the eye can see.
The article was re-printed in the Irish Independent, and it seems that it has inspired a big spike of altruistic donor-ism. I was a bit pissed off at first when the re-print was brought to my attention by the filmmaker, because my name was deleted, but the writer said she would try to sort it out for me, so am mollified.
Anyway, as I said the horizon is full of donors, full of promise (and promises!) but eeny meeny miney mo, where I'll stop nobody knows- least of all me...
Settling for the wrong one seems completely out of the question at this point.
And tomorrow its back to media darling-hood, and trying to sort through the jungle of donors.
Still not sure whats happening with my Danish donor, he has to see if he can take off work to come over, since I cant make it Denmark. Also, am worried he may be getting too emotionally involved...

Then on top of that I am trying to have some regular dates as well, its not my plan to be single, and if I met someone (who wants a baby or not) all the better (although it would be better if they wanted one, given the current state of things)

Well, must get on...
The song for the day is
'Is Your Love Strong Enough' by Roxy Music
Because its something I ask all the time... of myself, and of others.

*;-)Lulu

You Set the Scene

I started today completely stressed out because I didnt know if I could sort out going to Denmark next week, and because I was feeling absolutely fed up with people wanting to 'chat' with me endlessly about my story (and their story...?!) and not pay me for it, although they are- getting paid, I mean, for the very same chat! Grrrr... How do they think I pay my bills?
So I realised I just needed to take the power back, and so I just stopped. I took a breath, and then took a few considered actions, emails and calls, and got results. Take power back, do less, but more intentionally, get results, ahhh. Works every time.

Anyway, the upshot is, that I am feeling much better now because the original documentary filmmaker I spoke to, is video interviewing me tomorrow to pitch to 'Cutting Edge'.
And, Denmark just may may come to me, plus there are other potential options there...
And I finally got off the fence and got myself a new iPhone, after fannying about with a crap phone for over a year since my last iPhone. Oooo its the brand new white one that just came out a few days ago, and its really groovy.

So the song for today is by groovy 60s band Love, called 'You Set the Scene' because I remembered today- I set the scene; we all do.

*;-)Lulu
ps still running, Day 3, and past the worst aches, but need new shoes...

Run Baby Run

What a day, hectic, and beautiful.

Amongst other to-ing and fro-ing, I spoke to someone from a production company interested in doing my story; she seems very nice, but I'm not sure whether or not they can meet my deadlines in terms of events though. Things are suddenly moving incredibly fast, just as I thought they would, and for once I dont want the train to delay or slow down- I'm ready to run...

And, I went running today for the first time in at least a year. I have been very afraid to try it again because I have had problems with my heart and lungs from the GB, and the last few times I ran, I had severe chest pain and got incredibly dizzy. This time though, it went really well, with no fall out. I decided against joining the gym for now due to my current 'financial situation'.

And so today's song has to be Sheryl Crowe's Run Baby Run even though it is old and really quite sad, and I'm anything but sad at the moment!:-) It does sum me up in some way- and its pretty much how I got where I am today...

*:-) Lulu

What a Difference a Day and Half Makes...

Wow, I was really on a downer when I wrote that last post!! I guess no one can smile all the time but jeez, sorry about that...
Anyway, feeling much better health-wise and starting to feel ready for the weeks ahead. My astrology for this month isnt bad either (quite good, actually) and although I dont take it entirely seriously, I do like to hear things are on the up, even if it is from a relatively silly source!
This week I am going to ramp up my fitness regime. As I said in my last post, yoga and lots of walking up and down hills keps me fit, but in order to have the GH and imune boost that I need, I really need to exercise at 80% peak for some time every day which for me means running. God knows what I'll do when I'm pregnant but for now I'm not so I look forward to the fabulous feeling of being super fit again- lets hope I can get there.

So tomorrow its back to the real world, as Britain finally awakes for its long slumber of two back to back bank holiday weekends. Yay! I cant wait...


And so today's song is:
'Make Me Smile' by Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel, the live version not the watered down one on the Velvet Golmine soundtrack which is (sadly) now a sofa commercial!

*:-)) Lulu

Royal Wedding (and PMT)

Well, nothing like a Royal Wedding to remind you how your life is really shit.
Dont get me wrong, it was absolutely gorgeous, they are a lovely couple, so clearly in love with each other, and I absolutely loved it, and I wish them every happiness, I really do, AND it does restore ones faith in true love... however, it does remind one of the short-comings of one's own life, that is for sure.

I had some really weird dreams last night, not that I remember them, and I am now seriously considering ( and not for the first time in a year) dying my hair back to my natural colour, I mean if being brunette is good enough for a princess, it must me good enough for me...
But, no hasty changes will be made, I know how that can be! Act in hair haste, repent in hair leisure. I am sick to the teeth of what bleach does to my hair though.

And all that romance does shed rather another light on the whole sperm donor thing, I mean hardly happily ever after is it? Hmm...of course, I did know that, but it does bring it front and center.

I'm sure all this is a passing mood, and I'll be back to my normal positive (and I might add, non-PMT) self in couple of days- in fact I almost didnt write this post as its so not in keeping, and also because I have really been struggling quite heavily with the Gullain Barre (see earlier post in this blog for more info) over the last 3 or 4 days. Like most auto-immune disorders, it really kicks up when hormones do, so I usually know when to expect it, but the truth is I havent been taking quite as good care of myself this year, and so the symptoms are worse. Anyway, now I am resolutely back on my super health kick (as opposed to my usual health kick) and back to spending mega-bucks on supplements, and will have to rejoin the gym- daily yoga and lots of walking up and down hills not being enough to turn back the ravages of the auto-immune monster. Still, there's comfort in the knowledge of what is needed do to improve things. The first day I started taking more supplements was the day before yesterday, and I have already noticed a difference, so at least I get to see tangible results quickly. The down side is wondering what will happen to the rent by the end of the month...
*SIGH* Not being paid for one's work really is quite crap.
Ok, enough whinging, I'm nauseating myself (or is that the PMT?)
I thought I was in no state to come up with a song for the day, but actually I am, and here it is:
Tumbling Down by The Venus In Furs

Gee, but it's hard
When one lowers one's guard to the vultures
Now, me I regard it
A torturous hardship that smolders
Like a peppermint eaten away
Will I fight? Will I swagger, or sway? ....

*************

Good question...

*;-)Lulu

Yes, The Picture's Changing Every Moment...

And your destination you dont know it... Avalon Roxy Music

Well, some times life takes some interesting turns which do make me wonder how much of a hand fate plays for all of us.
Theres a guy I met internet dating a few years ago, and we chatted a lot online and on the phone a bit, then one and another thing happened and we never did meet, lost touch. Now thanks to facebook we have reconnected, and it turns out hes been going through a valiant life threatening struggle health wise, which makes anything I am going through seem somewhat trivial.
So much can happen in so short a time...

I have my interview for the radio show tomorrow. Very serious show, so I hope I dont seem too flippant.

Its funny but lately my life has become very deep and serious, although I am quite happy- a combination I have never experienced before. I really thought I had experienced most emotions by now, except those of being a biological mother. Its really nice to know theres still something new.
I do so love life for all its twists and turns...

Stay tuned
*:-) Lulu

When you bossa nova theres no holding... Avalon

Diamond Meadows

...'hey, lets do it like we're friends'... who can argue with Marc Bolan?

Had a weekend of getting my facebook page off the ground and its shaping up well for my art business.
I must get back to work on that as it is what pays the bills.

Had vague criticism of this blog from guy I used to date (hes referred to in my other abandoned blog...)
He said it was 'a bit deep' which s code for 'too f***ing deep for me, love'
Well, it is deep sometimes but not always, is it?
Ok, here: shoes shoes shoes, hair hair hair, clothes clothes clothes...there! Ha!

Had a lightening fast drink with my brother today between his changing of a poopy nappy on my three year old niece and a major spew up from my 3 week old niece, what fun! And I must have it bad because I still am keen to get on with having one + of my own.

Oh, also I saw the article, finally. What a crap photo. There were better ones. I know because they are there on the syndicated press page if you google me with the Times. Just as I thought, they wanted to make me look weird and sad, and you know what? I really dont care as much as you or I might think I would; its all just part of life. They say to never take your press too seriously, and fair enough. Besides I got to share the other side of a page with my ideal donor, a yummy actor whos name I wont mention...

More tomorrow
*;-) Lulu

'If I could have grown
All upon my own
If I could have grown
I grew
If I could have grew
I do
If I had a throne
You could call it home
If I cry my tears are yours
To open any frozen doors
Hey let's do it like we're friends
Let's do it do it
Hey let's do it like we're friends'

Diamond Meadows
T. Rex

Alone Again Or

Today I found myself in a very different position, giving advise to a 21 year old girl who is accidentally pregnant and not sure what to do.
I feel for her tremendously. My own age and desire to have a baby doesnt change my empathy for the heartache someone can feel in that situation. I gave her some advice as to where she might be able to get some info on Easter weekend because of course the NHS clinics are closed and the hospital maternity wards are likely short staffed on a holiday. But no matter what advice I gave, I was careful not to influence her decision, as its something every woman must decide for themselves. It does point up the fact that no matter what our age or fertility situation all women face choices about their reproductive health at some point in their lives, and it seems to often there are others keen to critise us for our choices without any compassion for how difficult it is to make them.
I also listened to the BBC radio show which wants me as a guest, and they had a woman speaking about her experience with giving up a child for adoption. She met the adult son later on, and now has a relationship with him, but what struck me about  her story was the emotional pain she experienced when she had to give the baby up, and how the choice was basically made for her by her parents.
I share all this to remind my readers that although I make light about the situation I find myself in, it my way of dealing with something that is other than ideal. Using a known donor/co-parent is my choice, after sifting through a myriad of other choices, but do not imagine for one moment that I am frivolous or unaware of the effect my decisions may have down to the line.
To that end, I watched the trailer to a documentary film, about donors who group together to find their donor father. It was brilliant to see how lovely these young people were, and how interested they were in finding their anonymous donor father. And it was fascinating to see how many physical features and personality traits they shared. Which certainly supports my theory that so many things and inherited genetically, and supports me further in my choice.
Well, its cooler and raining now thank Heavens, and thats not something one hears often in London at Easter!
There's some stuff brewing with Danish donor, I'll keep you posted...

Until next time then,
*:-)Lulu

ps today's title/song is by 60s group Love- sort of a precursor to the Stone Roses- Enjoy!

The Whole Shebang

As you can see from both yesterday's and today's titles, I am on a Velvet Goldmine  train of thought. If you dont know it, this song is by Grant Lee Buffalo. (Have a listen, this album rocks!)

Today was another gorgeous summer day lush flowery and lovely. I had my meeting with the documentary filmaker at my usual hang out, Cachao in PH, and the neighborhood performed splendidly, as my spritual home, it rarely lets me down.
She is interested in using my story, doing a feature of it actually, so have now emailed Danish donor to see if hes willing to participate. I think it would be fab.
I also spoke to the Lister clinic about the Immunoglobin test and treatment, so that would be in the film too. (I touched on that treatment briefly in my Gullian Barre post.)
Anyway, I wont know if the project is green-lighted til next week.

In fact, now its a Easter bank holiday weekend, so nothing will happen til next week. I can really use the time to get somethings organised but it still feels a bit like going from 60 to a full stop a bit too quickly.
I'll just have to enjoy some yummy R&R while I can get it, because I sort of get the feeling there wont be much of that for while afterwards....

So til tomorrow, I'll take The Whole Shebang

Enjoy

*:-) Lulu

Baby's On Fire and, The Nuts & Bolts Guide Part 4

OK, so you've found your donor, or at least narrowed it down to a few different people, so whats next?
Your major decision is going to be how to inseminate. Now of course, this is the thing I am inadvertently best known for, although it was actually a very small part of the whole process of my last pregnancy.
I do understand that it isnt an easy decision for some, and if you read my interview in the Times, you know that I tried AI first.
First the AI. The reason I chose it was that although the donor was keen to get me into a relationshhip, he was a strict Catholic and therefore was not predisposed to having sex. I grew up with a much more open attitude to sex myself, so see NI as a completely natural thing (the hint is in the name). Having been through IUI at a clinic several times, and finding that overly clinical, plus having done AI a couple of years earlier with anonymous donor sperm, I pretty much knew what I was in for. But there were some things that I didnt bargain for... For me it was just so completely weird to have a virtual stranger whacking off in my bathroom, coming out and handing me a specimen pot full of yuk, and then him leaving and me having to, erm, insert it.
YUK. It was messy, awkward, embarrassing- in short horrible, and certainly not natural (again the clue is in the name). That said, I would say there are certain situations in which AI would be preferable. The first, would be if one of you has a medial condition which prevents normal sex (some of these are listed on the website I mention in the next paragraph). Another would be if you are in a couple, and only using donor sperm because your partner's arent up to the job. I've been married twice, and in several long term relationships and am quite sure it would be hard if not impossible to recover from the transgression of NI, in spite of the goal.
And finally, it wouldnt be advisable for a woman who is uncomfortable being with men, either due to abuse, or due to sexual preference. If you would really find it traumatic to have sex with a man, then please dont. The way your baby was conceived is going to stick with you for the rest of your life.

As far as AI goes, there is equipment you'll need. I ordered mine from a small company website  http://www.insemination-help.com/index.html The owner Bridget is lovely and very helpful, and the site has lots of info on AI, plus she sends illustrated instructions with each order.
If you order from her site, please let her know how you heard about her website. I dont get a profit from it, but it would be nice for her to know. She sells other products too such as basal thermometers, ovulation and pregnancy test strips. She also sells supplements, but I think you are better off buying those from Natural Fertility Shop http://www.naturalfertilityshop.com/?Click=3733 , where you can get more expert info on supplements.You will need needless syringes (I think the large ones are better because the they get the sperm higher into the vagina- sorry for the technical bit :-), collection pots, and something I recommend for any pregnancy attempt whether it be AI or NI with a donor, or just regular normal sex with your partner, are the cervical cups. These hold the semen up where you need it be after you inseminate, so you dont have to lie around with your legs in the air, or, for the more nimble, doing shoulder stands. Considering sperm lives quite a long time inside, and when you stand up most of leaks out, these are fabulous. I believe they were originally invented as a alternative to tampons, I certainly wouldnt use it that way, but I digress. For our purposes they are fab!
Now as for NI. Hmm, well, as I am now known as NI girl, you would think this is my choice, and you'd be right. To me it is the natural babies are made, and although it might be more ideal to do you NI with a partner, the fact that you are using a donor doesnt change that. Furthermore, any studies that have been done indicate that the mechanics of sex improve your chances of getting pregnant. One donor I spoke to had helped a couple with AI, and it took 7 cycles, he then helped a single woman the followinf year, and it worked on their second attempt.
So what are the concerns with NI? Safety of course. If you are going to be alone with this person, you might want to let a friend know and arrange to text them at a certain time, so that someone will check if you're safe. Another way to do this is to have a pre-arranged time for your friend to turn up at your house, so that they can make sure you are ok. Also, I would advise not to drink alcohol, or if you do, drink very little. Although I do understand that alcohol can make you less inhibited and therefore might be tempting in this case. It hampers fertility, plus you'll need your wits about you to make sure everything goes according to plan, i.e. that you get the job done that you came together to do, plus I think inserting the cervical cup when boozed would be nearly impossible.
In the end the choice is very personal and entirely up to you. So my only last comment is:
NO matter which you choose, be SURE to see his recent test results on paper before you get started!
I hope all this helps. There are loads of things you have to way up here, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
------------------------------------
Phew, now thats finished (although I will add more as I think of them, or as other people ask me)...
Back to filling you in on my own life!
I am having lots of media feedback from my blog, so it looks like you will be seeing or hearing me in a magazine or tv or radio soon, I'll keep you posted on that.
As for my donors...last Friday's donor date, who I felt was a decent fallback, has not responded to my after meet email, so I think he's out of the picture. However, my Danish donor, is really coming to the fore in some very lovely knight in shining armour sort of ways, so its looking good there. You may be reading about me in Denmark next month- Eeep :-))!
I had lunch with my lovely stepmum today. She and I have gotten much closer lately which is wonderful.
Tomorrow I'm meeting a docu filmmaker. I am really curious about her project so that will be fun.
The weather continues to be hot and summery, everything is lush and green and flowery, which is in part the inspiration for today's blog title. Its a song from the Velvet Goldmine Soundtrack by The Venus In Furs.
Have a listen and enjoy your evening!

Hugs
*:-) Lulu

Finding Mr. 'Right Dad' or, the Nuts & Bolts Guide Part 3

Well, back to the basic old life, but not quite- responses regarding the Times article continue to come in.
I was contacted by a documentary filmmaker today regarding a piece she is doing on fertility which sounds interesting, and my Dad sent a pretty scathing email about the piece- which shocked me a bit, but really was pretty much the reaction I expected from him. One hopes for parental support, but doesnt always get it, and all I can say is, Thank heavens I have had such a tremendous amount of support from all the other people I know. Funny thing, I was shopping for a birthday card for him today...

Now, moving swiftly on to the other kind of Dad- the Dad who will be the donor dad to our new babies.
As I see it (but this is subjective of course), the criteria for a donor is quite similar the criteria for someone you might want to marry or choose for a friend. After all, its not only looks that are past on genetically. Looks are important but as far as intelligence, sense of humour, and kindness, I think the person that you find you are the most comfortable with, is probably the best bet as your donor dad. After all, the baby might not take after their father in this department, but what if they do? You dont want have picked the best looking a**hole, and then live your life regretting that you are raising and parent to an absolute creep who you dont like. Remember, you may only meet the donor for one night, but he will be with you in some way in that little one for the rest of your life.
Now, speaking of one night, I would strongly recommend that you meet your potential donors when you are NOT ovulating. Your hormones will have you wearing the strongest rose tinted glasses of all; I call these Ovulation Goggles. The desire for a baby can strongly colour your views on a person, and make you overlook not only character and physical things that you might otherwise find unacceptable, but things like proof of STD tests, and specific requirements such as, for instance, my insistence that he be willing to have his real name on the birth certificate, but you will likely have your own requirements. So, I would recommend you set a date to meet, coffee is best unless you are absolutely sure you can keep a clear head and drinking to a minimum even under pressure. Bring with you a written list of questions, anything you want to know about his past, and relationship with his family, but most important what his expectations are from the arrangement, if he is willing to sign a donor contract (co-parent match has something about these on their home page) , and whether he is willing to meet all your requirements both about the way you want to go about the insemination and then after you become pregnant. Remember, the word 'donor' is the key. He is there to meet all your needs as you spell them out, and if the donor you meet makes you feel uncomfortable or disappointed, or doesnt want to meet your requirements, MOVE ON TO THE NEXT.
Once you get into this, you will see that there a huge number of donors willing to help, all with different looks and personality, but also different visions of what their role will be and how that want to be helpful. There will be someone to match with you. I would also strongly recommend meeting at least two before deciding.
I know how the strong desire to have a baby can make you feel in such a rush that you may overlook these things, but I sincerely want you to be happy, so please try to take a deep breath (follow the advice in the N&B Guide Part 1 :-) and find Mr Right Dad, not Mr Right Now Dad, because this baby is for life!
As for where you might meet Mr Right Dad? I've found http://www.co-parentmatch.com/ to be enormously helpful. They have a large number of donors, plus a wide variety of people looking for co-parents, if this is something you would like to consider. Dont be fooled by the name though, there are a large number of men strictly interested in becoming donors there. I tried another site before discovering them, but they no longer exist so not worth talking about. From what I gather their are other sites too, although I cannot comment on them as I havent felt the need to go beyond the one I'm using. If I do, I will be sure to update you all, of course! :-)

Thats it for this topic. In the next part of the N&B Guide, I will be tackling the sticky (pun not intended) topic of AI v NI.

I'm off to do some Sedona Method Releasing!
http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky

*:-) Lulu

More of The Body Bountiful or, The Nuts & Bolts Guide Part 2a

First, to briefly deconstruct last nights 'donor date'. Very lovely guy, but it does seem a bit of waste for someone with a Cambridge degree (which he does have) to spend his life as a professional golf caddy...wondering how strong the lack of motivation is as a genetic trait? On the plus side he didnt lie, was very open, and was actually 6'2''!
As far as the article goes, no plug for my art website, which was promised (http://www.studiolulufinearts.com/ in case you're interested) A huge amount of support from almost everyone, including a very sweet email from War Hero (look back to date posts of last weekend).
Now getting back to the task at hand of sharing what I've learned about getting and staying healthy.
I've thought of a few other key things that have been shown to have an important effect.
One of the first is EMFs, or electromagnetic fields. The most important way this effects all of us on a day to day basis is mobile phones and computers. Most important is the mobile phone of course, as thats the thing we are most likely to have in our pocket or bag close to our bodies. I would think this is fairly obvious, but just in case, and this goes for men too, DO NOT put your mobile phone in your pocket, especially not when it is on (and who carries around a turned off phone?) Different makes of phone emit more radiation than others, smartphones, unfortunately, emit the most.
Eat organic food as often as possible, I'm sure that that this is widely covered on the natural fertility website which I recommended, and I think the reasoning is fairly obvious, so I wont say any more about that.
Vitamins minerals and nutrients. This is a bit of a tricky one, because the mainstream medical community does not recognise a number of critical deficiencies as important, in spite of all the clinical evidence. I would look primarily to Magnesium, Zinc, B6 and B12. DO be careful not to over do the latter three. It would be very difficult to take too much Magnesium and its very relaxing so do enjoy that. A good site for supplement info is http://www.lef.org/ They dont have any info on fertility but loads about nutrients related to other things.
Also in this category should go amino acids. These are less widely known, but if you start googling around you will see that there a lot of women getting excellent results with Arginine. I also highly recommend Carnitine and Glutamine. if you are a vegetarian, you need to be extra diligent about keeping up your amino acid profile. Whey Protein Powder is an excellent way to do this. And, I believe that Natural Fetility shop mentions it, but its worth bringing up DIM which helps the body to dispose of xyno-estrogens. These are a very toxic substance which come primarily from plastics, food additives and additives in cosmetic products. They mess up your hormone levels, particularly interfering with you progesterone. I believe that you can order DIM from Natural Fertility Shop which you can reach by clicking on the banner at the bottom of the page.
The final item I'm going to mention tonight is sleep, especially since I'm about to get mine! If you have trouble sleeping it can have a very negative effect on your fertility. So much so, that apparently you can change your cycle by sleeping in total darkness for a certain number of nights of your cycle, and with a light on for the rest. if you have trouble going to sleep or sleeping through the night, I would suggest taking Melatonin for a while, until you get it sorted out. For years I didnt sleep through the night, and since taking Melatonin for about 6 weeks last year, I havent had the problem again. All  can say is, aside from improving fertility, regular full nights of sleep improve the quality of your life!
I will no doubt think of other things in this category, but thats it for now.
See you tomorrow, where hopefully I can move on to Part 3.
For now its
Night night
*:-)Lulu

The Body Bountiful or, The Nuts & Bolts Guide Part 2

So heres todays installment and forgive me but am rather in a rush as I have to meet donor guy.
Its not looking good as he basically said, 'You cant get test results in paper form so he couldnt show me his', thats crap (sorry! language) you can. I am going to devote another post to this sort of thing about choosing and dealing with donors, but in the mean time, DO NOT believe any guy who tells you this, and although its your choice, I wouldnt go on his say so that hes tested negative, remember, with a donor you cannot use a condom (well, you can to collect the semen but you'll still have to insert it, I'll also cover this in future) and so you are putting yours and your babies health at risk and may compromise your fertility. I have gotten test results emailed and handed to me by potential donors, so as I said, what my donor guy said is not true.
Anyway, this is only a preliminary meeting, so if I want him to be my donor he can get retested.

Now, onto the main topic!
You need to get your body into ultimate health to get pregnant and grow a healthy baby inside you! I know it sounds obvious but I see so many women who arent doing this. Dont drink caffeine, dont smoke and dont live on junk food. Caffeine reduces your progesterone stores which are very important for both fertility and maintaining a healthy pregnancy. Smoking messes up your estrogen levels. Dont weigh too much or too little.
Assuming you've got these basics covered though, there is a site that I have found tremendously helpful, which you can reach it by clicking the button at the bottom of the page. There are loads of doctors and natural health professionals with websites, but I have found this one full of loads of free info in addition to selling products, plus you can email them with questions.
Its owned and run by a very experienced herbalist, Hethir Rodrigez, who specialises in fertility and there are some amazing things you can do to increase your fertility there including diet, specific massage techniques and yoga. And she has concise sections for a variety of health concerns such as PCOS and recurrent miscarriage. The testimonials are hanky-worthy. I suggest you have a good look around on the site watch some of the videos and read some info. Then you'll know which products to order if you want to.
Another site that I found very helpful is http://www.womhoo.com/ Its a bit way out in its presentation, but has some great info on progesterone deficiency, a topic which although well documented about 40 years ago, has only become part of the more mainstream fertility thinking since I have been trying. I wasnt even given a progesterone test by the LWC even though I had a history of chemical pregnancy. If you do not have enough progesterone, you WILL miscarry, so have a look at the research on that site. Again I credit my being able to carry to 8 weeks after all my chemical pregnancies in large part to the research on both this and  http://www.naturalfertilityshop.com/?Click=3733 
There is also an interesting study on womhoo about delaying ovulation for 3 months by using the progesterone, that says you will be super fertile when you cycle off of it. I gave this a try since I was between donors and didnt want to waste my eggs, but my body's urge to ovulate was too strong and didnt take the hint, but I would be interested to know how it works for others. He also explains why it mattes which progesterone product you use.
Another thing that has been proven very effective in infertility is chiropractic. I know that here in the UK osteopathy is more the thing, but this study indicated that after only a couple of chiropractic adjustments over several weeks the participants fertlity increased by 30-35% and that the placebo participants had no results when given a fake adjustment, but their ability to conceive increased by the same amount as the main study as soon as they were given the same treatment. I havent tried it yet but do intend to!
Other than that, Get some excercises and fresh air! Reduce your stress levels (that goes somewhat back to yesterday's post). Those are the physical basics, but its a big topic, HUGE, so I'll do a Part 2a tomorrow.

As said, I'm in a bit of a rush so please forgive the lack of banter and any proofreading errors!

*;-)Lulu

ps... tomorrow, the paper comes out *GULP* I'm trying not think about it

Keep Calm And Carry On or, Part 1 of The Nuts & Bolts Guide

Ok guys, as promised, here is the first part of the nuts and bolts.
I can only offer what is working for me, so if its not right for you dont do it! But soo many people keep asking me for advice, that I want give you everything I can think of (well, everything I can think of in the moment anyway :-) to help you get pregnant. As I remember other stuff- and learn new things- I will add them to the blog, so keep checking back.
Today I decided to focus on the Emotional/Mental side of things. This is the touchiest area of all for most people, and I've met so many women who try to pretend that they are ok on this score, yet spend thousands of pounds/dollars on fertility investigations and treatments, and would rather go through years of heartbreak not getting pregnant or recurrent miscarriages, than admit that there might be something going on in their psyche that could be stopping the whole process. And for those of you who are cringing already, this is not as airy-fairy as it may sound.
Its now established conventional knowledge that the psyche has a tremendous effect, even a deciding factor, whether a woman succeeds in getting, and staying, pregnant. Everything from your GP telling you to 'just relax', to doctors who are the head of fertility clinics suggesting counselling or hypnotherapy, and acknowledging that a vast number of psycho emtional components can effect your outcome.
But  as my blog is all about what you can do yourself, because I believe in taking control of your fertility, this is a post about how you can help yourself, for the rest of your life, with this and other things too, for less than the cost of one or two private Harley St hypnotherapy sessions.
I did quite a bit of searching in this area long before I ever realised that it was connected to why I didnt have children, even though I always wanted them. I tried numerous methods from conventional to as far out as my basically rational character could handle. In all that time, only one thing has given me significant results, and you may know what it is, as I have mentioned in blog posts before...The Sedona Method. Although I first heard of it several years ago, I didnt really look into it until about a year ago, and I have been using it consistently since then. I can honestly say I am a happier calmer person for it, and its one of the things I credit for having gotten as far as 8 weeks in my last pregnancy, after having had a number of chemical pregnancies (thats when you have a miscarriage before your missed period). I will discuss the other elements that got me there in later parts of the Nuts & Bolts Guide.
So, The Sedona Method, yes, I know, it might sound like a weird name, 'What does it mean?' Never mind the name, or the home page that promises to increase your income in that way that makes you roll you eyes and go 'Yeah, right' etc (although it might well improve your income and many other things besides :-) Anyway, We are here to get pregnant, and this will zero straight in on your issues, and help you overcome them. You dont have to do anything silly or weird (not extremely anyway), no gurus or angels or spirit guides, or chants...and its not even terribly emotionally painful, so it feels amazing that it works.
For our purposes, and to start off I would recommend several of the products specifically. First are the individual releases 'Using the Body for Approval Control Separation or Oneness', 'Attraction/Repulsion or Sex Food or Money' and 'Slave Conciousness' For a fuller immersion (and therefore faster results), I would suggest the 'Living Love Course' which has a huge amount of content in all media forms. But honestly any of the courses, and any of the longer individual releases, could address your issue. What I suggest is that you look at the site, and let your intuition guide you on which is best for you.
I have had tremendous breakthroughs with this, and it has kept me sane through my previous donor experiences, my miscarriage during Christmas eve dinner with a large number of my family and their in-laws  (an experience that would have previously depressed me on its own without a miscarriage), plus numerous other non-preg related stressful experiences. It has led me to take risks I couldnt bring myself to take in the past. And more recently its helped me to allow opportunities, and glide through all the wonderful chaos that has been going on, which I definitely would have avoided previously.
When I had my miscarriage, for example, I expected crushing depression, and usually I cant get through the triple whammy of Christmas New/Years/my birthday all within a 3 week span, without feeling somewhat depressed. Well, this time I kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and feel that sinking feeling, and it just didnt happen. I felt disappointed and frustrated about certain things, well a lot of things! But the crushing depression just didnt come. Thank you, Sedona Method.
I cant urge you strongly enough to try it; either to get over lifelong issues around the subject of getting or being pregnant or becoming and being a parent, or ones that are coming up as you go through the process of choosing a donor, getting pregnant, being pregnant, and anything else that might be troubling you!
Its great because you can do the processes while your doing other things (washing dishes or having a scan, for example :-), or take a moment out when your freaking out, to do a process (like when the donor refuses to be on the birth certificate after you know you're pregnant ARGH, or more simply, when your mother talks to you like you're 10, when you're old enough to be fighting the fertility battle).
It will make things clearer, and you calmer, in any situation.
What more can I say?
 http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky

Ok, thats my soapbox for today. Tomorrow I'll talk about ways you can support or improve your fertility from a physical prospective- there's loads!
But right now, I'm exhausted from everything thats happening, and a bit anxious about whats to come (if you read my post yesterday, you know that I am meeting a potential donor tomorrow, and of course you all know about the impending Times article on Saturday) so I'm off to do some Sedona Method releases, and then a good night's sleep in my flannel jammies, double yum.

Night night
*:-) Lulu

ps... the song for the day is 'Hard Rain is Gonna Fall' by Roxy Music

Friends & Neighbours...& Prospective Donors

Wow, this thing certainly is taking on a life of its own.
I spent part of yesterday afternoon and all this morning bumping into neighbors who have heard about the upcoming article, and are now asking my advice on their fertility issues and methods of getting pregnant with a donor. I'm trying to improve the art website as best I can since thats still my bread and butter whilst trying to answer everyones questions.
I now realise that I have compiled a lot of knowledge that I did even know I had, and that it is really important for so many women, so I sincerely hope that the article will help. I have realised also, that whilst it may be very entertaining (or not :-) to read about my adventures, I am going to have to set aside a couple of blog posts at least, to provide concise info for those who need it. So for the next two days, thats what you'll be getting folks, and I'll try to keep the personal interest stuff to a minimum!
Now that thats out of the way, I will get back to something very personal to finish up for this evening.
Today I got an email from Friday's date, we'll nickname him War Hero, because he is, and it did not make me feel good. I had sent him a very honest email the day before yesterday telling him what the article was going to be about, and today he responded saying that he didnt want any more children, nor to date someone who was pregnant with someone elses child, so basically its 'Syonara baby' (my words, not his :-) Ah, yes, my first rejection for being open about what I'm doing. Still, not so bad, as its better to find out now than waste time dating someone only to find out later, that thats the deal. Now I only wish I'd told him sooner still! Anyway, I hope my romantically-minded dog walking pals are right, and that I may ironically meet Mr Right through the Times feature. But in the mean time, not holding my breath, I have an NI date with another donor on Friday. I had to dump the NI donor from Canada who was ready to fly over here this weekend, but then confessed that he has a girlfriend moving to Canada for him from Brazil next week, and he didnt want to tell her what he was up to. So, dishy though he is, I had to turn him down. I do have standards, and they dont include helping men to cheat on their WAGs.
I cant go off to Denmark this weekend either, so my Danish donor will have to wait a bit longer, although after about 5 months he is getting antsy (somehow I used another donor in the mean time...), and I sense he wont wait much longer, if at all, so he may be out of the frame. Or he could read the truth on Saturday, and find out that I've had a miscarriage with another donor since meeting him online, which I dont think will go down very well. Moving swiftly on...
Who wants a brief run down on Mr NI for this Friday? I thought so! He claims to be 6'2 with eyes of blue, and Cambridge educated. And all I can say is, we'll see...

As I said, I'll talk about the links below and some other important nuts and bolts info on all aspects of increasing and maintaining your fertility,and finding and getting preggo with a donor, over the next couple of days, but in the mean time, I've got Kojak on the brain (I have no idea why) so

'Who loves ya baby?'
*:-) Lulu

http://www.naturalfertilityshop.com/?Click=3733

http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky

Shooting The Messenger

So, yes,  yesterday, the photo shoot...surreal and totally draining.

I can see why in some primitive cultures they dont like having their photo taken because they feel it steals the soul- it does.

Hair and makeup took hours, then I stood/ sat/ laid in the glorious sunshine whilst the world went by around me, and a photographer I've never met before, and no doubt will never meet again, clicked and clicked, and a lovely but slightly mad make up and hair person re-adjusted me. This went on for about an hour and a half, and then we all went our separate ways, I went home to my life, to walk Aslan.  All this so I can become the poster girl for NI- who'd have thought it. I always thought I might be known for something, but certainly never thought it would be this...

Anyway, for the third time in a day Aslan and I made our way back to Primrose Hill where we met an A-list celeb and her lovely little dog; and life goes on. Never would it be more convenient for me to live in PH, just for the sheer amount of time I spend walking down there! But now in Belsize and liking it, just figures I seem to constantly need to be down there.

And all this is...its all very much on par with my New York life, but new unexpected and unsought here, nevertheless entirely welcome. Interesting though, I had seriously been considering returning to New York for some of my old life, but, at least for now, it doesnt look like that will be necessary. Life is funny that way; seems the best way to the thing you want the most, is to give up on it entirely.

Stay tuned*:-)
Lulu           

http://www.sedona.com/?a_aid=starsfromthesky

The Date

Firstly, let me just say how fabutastic the weather has been these last few days, AMAZING!
My hair went well, I did stand up for myself and got to comb my own hair. The highlights arent quite what I want, but a huge improvement on what I had, so thats good, and I am sure that if I continue on with the same colourist we'll get closer after a few goes.
As for The Date, well jury is still out I suppose. He is by far the most interesting, I'd go as far to say, compelling guy I've met in a very long time. Would I see him again, um yes, I think so...too early to commit to any opinion beyond that, my hideous history being what it is...AND, and this is big, he doesnt yet know what my article is about. Also it may just be my suspicious mind, but I feel like there's some big piece he's withholding, a g/f  perhaps?
Tomorrow is the photo shoot, and I'm happy to say that the date has now distracted me from worrying too much about that, although I am definitely nervous about it. Again, I'm worried the hair and make-up person will make me look awful, and that the photographs will be horrible. I'm not very photogenic and its not easy to get a good pic of me. Oh well, no choice, it will be good to get it over with!
Once more into the breech! The breech being all things new....

Seems eons since my last post.
The weather here has been incredibly hot and sunny, more like June than early April, with the one exception, which was the day I last posted. I finally got to the storage room yesterday and got date clothes for tonight and summer clothes for everything else.
Today is Hair Day- Eek! I'm really anxious they're going to screw it up. Not the colourist who seems to really know what he's doing and take his craft quite seriously, but the assistants. That said, I have reviewed all my previous visits to Aveda salons and decided that the damage seems to mostly be caused by the conditioner not being good enough (ironic since they are so big on their products) and assistants who scrub my head like it was a pot with stuck on gunk and then comb it out in the same manner. So, my plan is to bring my own conditioner and comb out myself and no blow dry. its something I have insisted on in other salons in the past but not there, mostly due to feeling intimidated by their evangelical style, but I will be firm, and say these things are non-negotiable!! I do have the photo shoot on my side, let them think they are indulging my jitters about that.
This is going to a fantastic exercise in self-assertion, which isnt always my strong suit! Watch this space for the after report on how I did...
Now as far as The Date goes- I am charting a totally new course in etiquette. Do I tell my date about the article or not? Playing it by ear, as I dont think there is any right answer... I'll say one thing, considering this guy and I have been trying to sort this date for the last 3 months, its amazing its not the foremost thing on my mind, but other things seem to be taking priority these days. Still with everything thats going on I have triple first night jitters.

Return From the Abyss

Today I am almost recovered from my free fall into illness, which turned out to be quite short this time (assuming the path forward is straight, which isnt alway the case).
And it was all very busy.
Lots of drama in the dog community, bumping into lots of neighors, and trying to catch up with all the bits and pieces like going to the bank so I could pay bills and grocery shopping- and trying to reschedule the photo shoot.
And then...
I met my new niece! She is so lovely and tiny at only 4 days old.
So glad my brother made time so that I got to see her. There was a priest there when I arrived which rather suprised me as my other niece is baptised C of E. Didnt get a chance to ask, so will see what the plan is when I can.
I think most people would expect that I would have felt weird or upset, given that I want my own babies, but it wasnt, it was fab!

Gullain Barre

A Glorious Sunday Morning. But I am feeling somewhat less than glorious because during the night my Gullain Barre symptoms made their, always surprising, but at this point, seemingly inevitable comeback. I tried to get the journalist writing the article to include something about it, but she wouldnt, and now here it is, just when it couldnt be anymore inconvenient. Will I be able to do the photo shoot on Wednesday? I dont know...Will I be able to get my hair done on Tuesday? I dont know. WIll I be able to get the supermarket today possibly. To the storage room? And to Camden?
This is the problem with this disease. I am going blithely along with my life, making plans like any normal person, and then BHAM!!! Its like hitting a solid wall at 100 mph. And then everything slows as I attempt to hobble my way through what I need to do until the symptoms slowly abate after an indeterminate amount of time (hours days weeks). Another unsettling thing is that I never know which of my body systems will be effected. (For a description of these you can google the disease, but the list is endless, and my level of the disease is severe). It makes life very unpredicatble to say the least.
At first, for the first couple of years that is, I didnt plan anything. I didnt go to either my brother or sister's weddings, the first in terror that I would be in the Lakes and the symptoms would strike, the second because I was in a praticularly bad episode of the symptoms.
Then I finally realised, as, likely anyone with a long term debilitating illness does, that I couldnt let it stop me from living my life. I have never let it stop me from walking my dog, even when, at its worst, I could only get down the street by 6 houses then had to turn back. Nor from my daily yoga, which helps to mitigate the symptoms. I always always do both of those things no matter how rotten I feel. But as for the rest of it, I just had to release the hold button and get on with my life. Which, unfortunately, sometimes means cancelling appointments and dates, and finding myself incapable of getting to the supermarket when the fridge is empty. But in stopping letting it stop me, I have gained some freedom and quite a bit of courage; which is what led me to allow the telling of  part of my 'journey to getting pregnant' story, in a national newspaper.
As for the Gullain Barre, I have tried so many medicines and holistic and nutritional remedies, some which I think are working, only to have the inevitable return of the illness. The only one I havent tried is the Immunoglobin therapy which is the recommmended treatment. And which, as you may know, if you are someone having difficulty with getting pregnant or with miscarriages, and like me one, of those obsessive researchers on the topic, is ironically used for treating women with recurrent miscarriages.
And why havent I tried it? Because I spent all my money (down payment for a flat), and some of my parents money, trying to get diagnosed. Says quite a bit about the ineptitude of the top private medical professionals doesnt it? And once I was diagnosed, no money left. Clearly though I must find a way to sort it out. Too bad the Times isnt paying me for my story.
And through it all, I keep trying to get pregnant. Because I cant let that be put on hold either. Ironically, pregnancy is known to sometimes have a curative effect on women with immune system issues, and fabulously, when I was pregnant at the end of last year, I didnt have the symptoms from conception until the middle of last month which was months past my miscarriage. I'm not espousing pregnancy as a cure, but I think its a wonderful by-product of the situation.
Well, thats it really. I'm feeling better than I did when I started this post this morning(after the yoga, before walking the dog), but still horrible. I should nap, but the fridge is so literally empty that I there are tumbleweeds in there. And then theres the other shopping, gathering accessories, hair, photo shoot, and a big date due for this week*SIGH*
Watch this space...*:-/

Goldilocks And The Three Colourists

Woke up feeling awful- some dodgy yogurt last night, and nerves...
My hair, ack! Am I making the right choice? Perhaps I should go to D instead?
Had a terrible experience before with that brand of colour but this is different technician, different salon.
I'm just afraid if V does it, that it will come out too light again, as it did last year.
One's too light, one's too dark, and one is very very damaging to the hair....
I'll let you know what I decided to do!
*:-)

And the Beat Goes On

It seems that perhaps I was worried about the article slant unnecessarily as the writer assures me it wont just be about NI- Phew! Finished the interviewing today, and although I find discussing the topic very easy I find the process quite exhausting.
Tomorrow (well today as I now notice its past midnight) is Hair Day (!) I'm going back to V as she has come the closest of anyone to do my highlights the way I like since Mark disappeared into the ethers. Although she does tend to overdo it. Anyway, its not for lack of trying other people that I cant find the right thing, but no one yet has seems to get quite the right shade since then...a good hair man is so hard to find.
I ordered a couple of jumpsuits which are due to arrive tomorrow; speaking of which yes, I realise now its 'au courant' not 'au currant', see I'm not totally illiterate!...Then on Sunday I'll go dig around my storage room for shoes and jackets etc. And I think some new big sunglasses from the Camden Market are in order.
Must head of to land of nod now as its a big day tomorrow. Night night *:-)

Where and Wear

I am consumed with worry about this photo shoot. Getting a hair appointment was tough, and now I have to decide what to wear, and where it will be. I did already say how much I hate having my photo taken, right?
I have lost so much sleep in the last two nights I am going to have full sets of luggage where my eye bags were before Tuesday roles around.
Had part one of interivew today, recommencing tomorrow. I feel tremendously drained from telling the story and I'm not even done! And its only one of my stories- it feels like I've lived a hundred lives sometimes.
I think that the writer is going to make the article all about Natural Insemination which is ironic, because for me, its such a small part of it all, but thats the thing, when you give and interview you really are giving up the control of your story to one extent or another. Anyway, I could be wrong about the slant, but I dont think I am...the extent of the slant is to be seen.
Its all so much anticipation, In some ways, I wish it was being published this weekend so I could get it over with!
So to wear a dress or the au currant jumpsuit? Hmm...

Connecting the Dots

Had a little read through the past posts and realized I didnt fill you in on much events of December...
I did do another test. It was positive. Then a few days later, I rushed to uber scanner Bill S with a fever and a stabbing pain in my left ovary. Yes I was pregnant- with twins, two separate sacs there. But no heart beats, too early. Then another scan, and another, and sadly, after the third scan in as many weeks, I started to bleed. On Christmas Eve of all things, very dramatic with all the family goings on and a huge party at my sister's house!
People were expressing regret, and still do when they hear about it, but for me to have gotten that far after a number of 'chemical pregnancies' (Pregnancies that dont make it to the two week missed period mark which can be confirmed by blood test), it was a minor triumph, and I choose to view it that way. I dont think I shared all that before, so that should bring you up to speed there.
Anyway, all thats in the past. I plan to have another go in May, with two potential donors in consideration, one in Denmark, and one in Canada- but still open to finding one closer to home. Lots of choice, but I am sooo picky!
As for today, found out I'll have to do a photo shoot for the newspaper piece- Eek, I hate having my photo taken! But as needs must I suppose...so to find someone to do my hair on short notice, no mean feat.
Again, lots of choice but I am sooo picky!
Tomorrow I have the interview, and my second niece will be born by C-section.
Ahh, life! *:-)

Hello Again!

Ok, it HAS been far too long since I last posted.
I had a miscarriage on Christmas Eve and just had to give the whole pregnancy topic a break.
I travelled around the UK during January and February and even part of March, but now I'm back in London and back on the donor prowl!
Looks like I  may be interviewed in the Times this weekend talking about these adventures, which is a bit nerve-wracking!
Still, its so important and so many people are going through it or would like to that I decided it was important to speak out when asked...
Over the next few days, I'll try to bring you up to speed on what has gone on with the prospective donors during my blog hiatus
So until then
*:-)