Upping the Ante

Had another super social and busy day, so not much time to dwell on the madness of my current situation, still I do have a few minutes every day where it all freaks me out.

Upping the ante in ths department, I am having L spend the night here so he can do two donations, one tonight and one in the morning before he goes to work, all feels a bit weird since I dont know him that well, to have him stay in the house but then the whole thing is quite weird anyway! I am cooking dinner for him too, very cosy!

I am just so focussed on getting pregnant that I wont pass up the chance to do the two donations a day thing, which they say is optimal. We might do that again tomorrow night, then its fingers crossed and the waiting begins!

I have such bad cramps I can barely sit down, ugh, hope its all worth it!

2 Down 3 to Go

Feeling a bit weird at the moment. L has just left after completing Day 2 of our little project.
Its all so strange doing this thing with someone I dont know very well. Different than if pregnancy resulted from a drunken one nightstand, which I'm sure bears its own issues. I wouldnt know, having never been there, Thank God, although it could be a blessing depending how strong your beer goggles had been the night before.
But no, my route is entirely chosen. I feel good about it overall, not wavering for a minute in my complete desire for its success. Nevertheless, L has come over twice now and we have a nice cosy chat, and then I leave for walk around the block whilst he...'does the busness'. The I return and he leaves swiftly so that I can do my part. It might be all the less strange if he were some arty anything goes type, but he is quite straight, and more than a bit Catholic, and yet he seems more matter of fact in some ways about it than I am.
And very odd to me is, he doesnt know how much contact he will get with the child if I do get pregnant. I could never do that. At first I distrusted his motives. But then I decided that as he is a basically decent person, and I wanted this, I had to trust him without entirely understanding his motives, which led me to some interesting revelations about myself, and how I trust people so little, so I find myself starting to being more trusting with others as well, and enjoying that. I do think that people who are generally trusting of strangers get on much better in the world.
And now, I'm trying not to get too caught up in the will it work or wont it, there'll be time enough for that when this week is over and there's nothing left to do but wait.
Miraculously Mr Dog has made friends with another dog who's owner is trying to get pregnant this week, although hers is through IVF and she and I having discovered this and so many other things we have in common, including long term illness and many miscarriages, are quite relieved to have someone to share it all with. Because although my route is entirely unconventional and her completely accepted, both are incredibly isolating in their own way. And our dogs seem equally happy to play together like a couple of mad things, or litter-mates, something Mr Dog hasnt done with another dog in a very long time...
But still, I do feel strange, its that strangeness you feel when things start to change rapidly, and life takes on the feeling of a bicycle ride down a steep hill without brakes, good and frightening at the same time.
But, unlike so many times before, this time I wont be putting on the brakes, I'm just going to ride it to the end, trusting that when I get there, the journey will have been worth it.

'L' stands for...

Ok then, decision made.
L is coming here tomorrow to begin the process. It will be the first of four days in a row.
I cant say I am convinced this is the right thing, given how far it is from what I envision, but I somehow feel the time is right to take these steps and see where they lead...
I ordered the supplies and received them last week, so all that remains is to get on with it. If I dont, I'll always wonder what might have been, but if it works, I'm sure I'll feel the same. Some decisions are just like that; no clear answer, just make the move.
It was a lovely day today, warmer than it has been recently, and I spent most of it chatting with friends whom I happened to bump into which, would have been perfect if I hadnt had to deal with the landlord wondering where the late rent was. I shall miss my friends if I decide to leave, but I'm not seeing much choice in the matter as it stands now.
So tomorrow might be the first day of the rest of my life, or someone else's actually...

The Father of Modern England circa 2010

Today I met my second potential direct donor. This is part of the next step in a long procession of steps in my trying to get pregnant through alternative means, the traditional means not having presented themselves recently.
I was a bit nervous about the meeting as I am with any new person, there is some similarity to an internet date, of which I have endless experience but this is much more surreal.
I was slightly prepared having met the first of this new breed of donor, 'L' 3 times so far, in effort to decide if I could actually share parenting with someone I dont know.
Today's donor S, or the Father of Modern Britain as I call him, was a bit different though, because he is married (albeit in an unconventional way), and although he meets his success stories by mutual agreement, he is not interested in parenting them as such.
SO despite it being Sunday, I got up at 7:45 in order to do my yoga and walk Mr. Dog before meeting him.
I had a bit of a time deciding what to wear, after all, no one has set parameters for what to where to your first meeting with the potential sperm donor/biological father for your children...definitely not too sexy but you want to look good.
And I worried as I always do, whether its an internet date, or this brave new frontier, as to how disappointed I was going to be when he would likely turn out to be not very cultured attractive bright etc...lower your expectations in advance, I've learned the hard way.
When I walked Mr. Dog around Primrose Hill, I mused that depending how many success he has had, in 500 years, Time Team would be unearthing  skeletons and through DNA testing discover that hundreds f people were descended of this one man...
I chose a black turtleneck, grey jeans tucked into high leather boots and set off without breakfast ( too rushed) and with perfume (some things are necessary for a girl's self -esteem even when one isnt on the pull, plus you never know Mr. Right could be there just waiting to save me from all this...ok, back in the real world) into the unseasonably cold grey London day, wishing I was at home making muffins and dancing around the kitchen as is my usual Sunday ritual.
Arriving at the deliberately chosen anonymous cafe, I was not the least bit surprised to see an old-for-his-age very ordinary chap standing there- but not before I saw the ancient balding hippy in front if him who gave me a momentary fright, so it was with some relief I introduced myself.
We went inside, ordered our coffees, chose our seats, and began to have our surreal chat- much to the amusement of an arty (and rather dishy) guy sitting along the wall listening to us, barely hiding his mirth and taking notes (no doubt another point of view on this very encounter is being blogged elsewhere on this site as I speak). I briefly consider going over and asking if he was interested in becoming a donor himself while S was in the loo...
S did not disappoint, for the curiosity quotient, at least- I kid you not- he is a professional sperm donor! And has been for 10 years with no intention of stopping. He told me how he 'works' sometimes numerous times a week, sometimes a couple of times a day. He was open and positive, but he did look somewhat haggard, and I couldnt help thinking that it was somewhat of the same effect that working in the sex industry has on people; all that 'releasing' is losing just too much Chi as the Chinese would say.
It was fascinated to hear his story, and he is single-handedly (if you'll excuse the pun) and in a not so small way, changing the face of this country's population, I couldnt help feeling I was meeting someone who, without realizing it, was changing things in a very real and permanent way.
He was very sweet in such a genuine unaffected way- something I see so little of in the jaded world I live in, and couldnt be a bad thing to add to the genetic pot.
And, he has a vision of his numerous offspring being a network of support for each other, offering connections of a personal and business nature which I must admit is truly visionary...
But, could I make this man the father of my children? I dont think so...he wouldnt be anyone's idea of the ideal, in the Orwell-ian Utopian sense of the word...and I come from a world of very high standards.
Still, it was fascinating to meet the Father of Modern Britain circa 2010
Yet, as far as my own quest goes, 'still looking' would be the best way to describe it...
Why does the simplest thing in the world have to be sooo difficult?!